dreamcatchings: (esotsm: heartlost)
I know I've been a little behind on getting these up, but I'm still a bit emotionally tender to the point where just normal things were making me cry a little last night. The Buddha Box can set me off so I've been avoiding it a bit. Time to get back on the horse, I guess.

From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:



The truth
cannot be named
or talked about,
it can only be shown.


See, Buddha Box, I don't know what you mean there. I have conjectures and educated guesses that mostly involve something one of my friends lives by which is "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I don't know if that's what you're trying to tell me or not, though, because of the very simply fact that you rarely offer me advice about people. Or, at least, I do not typically interpret it that way. I usually interpret meanings inward. This is a Practice card so it stands to reason that it should be telling me something about how to apply lessons to daily life.

I just don't know. Anyone have any thoughts?
dreamcatchings: (Default)
I know I've been a little behind on getting these up, but I'm still a bit emotionally tender to the point where just normal things were making me cry a little last night. The Buddha Box can set me off so I've been avoiding it a bit. Time to get back on the horse, I guess.

From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:



The truth
cannot be named
or talked about,
it can only be shown.


See, Buddha Box, I don't know what you mean there. I have conjectures and educated guesses that mostly involve something one of my friends lives by which is "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I don't know if that's what you're trying to tell me or not, though, because of the very simply fact that you rarely offer me advice about people. Or, at least, I do not typically interpret it that way. I usually interpret meanings inward. This is a Practice card so it stands to reason that it should be telling me something about how to apply lessons to daily life.

I just don't know. Anyone have any thoughts?
dreamcatchings: (illy: rise)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





This life is like a dream
from which we awake
at death.
The next life is like
another dream, which ends
when we awake.
This awakening is called enlightenment.


That would be from an Enlightenment card if you couldn't tell. I know enough about Buddhism and the cycle of reincarnation to understand the point of this card. I really do. Knowing something and prescribing to something are two completely different things, however. I am not Buddhist. I cannot stomach most of the goals on the road to enlightenment. I think I've talked about this before. I cannot give up extremes of emotion. I will love and love completely. It will break me apart like it always does, but I refuse to let that go. It's not a great feeling when a friend can turn your whole world upside down with a word or you feel guilty for days for saying the wrong thing and hurting someone's feelings, but it's me. That's simply the way I do things. That's the way my heart works. I do not want to train it to work another way, to be something else.

I need some changes in my life. There are things that need to go because they're not working. There are ways that I react that are not healthy. I acknowledge this. Now all I have to do is actually get the ball rolling: doctor, referral, therapy, possibly medication. I don't want medication. I do not prescribe to the idea of the Prozac Nation, either. Medication does not cure everywhere. Maybe all my hangups are tied into wonky brain chemicals. I'm not saying it's not possible. In all honesty, I likely suffer from a few chemical imbalances that need to be addressed, but that does not mean I want my emotional well-being to be dependent on drugs. I have a high propensity to either acclimate or being allergic to medicine. It's why the list of antibiotics I can consume it steadily shrinking. I take one for a while and then the next time it's given to me, it causes an allergic reaction. It's never anything that serious, mind, but I'm not looking for it to happen with everything. I limit myself to as little medication as possible.

I'm not saying that enlightenment is a bad thing to try to achieve. I'm not trying to come down on Buddhism or anything like that. I think it's a perfectly acceptable path, and people have every right to follow it if it suits them. I'm just saying it's not me. Enlightenment might be, but my idea of enlightenment is a little different. I don't think we're meant to know all the secrets and follies of the universe. I'm not sure we'd be able to understand the meaning or point of it all even with the little piece of divinity resting inside all of us. I think enlightenment has to start within yourself. Once you know yourself, love yourself and are at peace with yourself then I think you can start working outward and applying that love and knowledge to the rest of the world.
dreamcatchings: (illy: rise)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





This life is like a dream
from which we awake
at death.
The next life is like
another dream, which ends
when we awake.
This awakening is called enlightenment.


That would be from an Enlightenment card if you couldn't tell. I know enough about Buddhism and the cycle of reincarnation to understand the point of this card. I really do. Knowing something and prescribing to something are two completely different things, however. I am not Buddhist. I cannot stomach most of the goals on the road to enlightenment. I think I've talked about this before. I cannot give up extremes of emotion. I will love and love completely. It will break me apart like it always does, but I refuse to let that go. It's not a great feeling when a friend can turn your whole world upside down with a word or you feel guilty for days for saying the wrong thing and hurting someone's feelings, but it's me. That's simply the way I do things. That's the way my heart works. I do not want to train it to work another way, to be something else.

I need some changes in my life. There are things that need to go because they're not working. There are ways that I react that are not healthy. I acknowledge this. Now all I have to do is actually get the ball rolling: doctor, referral, therapy, possibly medication. I don't want medication. I do not prescribe to the idea of the Prozac Nation, either. Medication does not cure everywhere. Maybe all my hangups are tied into wonky brain chemicals. I'm not saying it's not possible. In all honesty, I likely suffer from a few chemical imbalances that need to be addressed, but that does not mean I want my emotional well-being to be dependent on drugs. I have a high propensity to either acclimate or being allergic to medicine. It's why the list of antibiotics I can consume it steadily shrinking. I take one for a while and then the next time it's given to me, it causes an allergic reaction. It's never anything that serious, mind, but I'm not looking for it to happen with everything. I limit myself to as little medication as possible.

I'm not saying that enlightenment is a bad thing to try to achieve. I'm not trying to come down on Buddhism or anything like that. I think it's a perfectly acceptable path, and people have every right to follow it if it suits them. I'm just saying it's not me. Enlightenment might be, but my idea of enlightenment is a little different. I don't think we're meant to know all the secrets and follies of the universe. I'm not sure we'd be able to understand the meaning or point of it all even with the little piece of divinity resting inside all of us. I think enlightenment has to start within yourself. Once you know yourself, love yourself and are at peace with yourself then I think you can start working outward and applying that love and knowledge to the rest of the world.
dreamcatchings: (paige: masks)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:






Like the wind
not caught by any net,
in solitude we gain
peace and balance.


I cannot argue with you here, Buddha Box. Not really. I know that the first step in attaining anything successful is to be able to find peace and happiness and love within and for yourself. I know this. It seems to be the simplest and hardest journey of them all, though, to be able to do that. Because whether you want to or not, whether you mean to or not, there are things you hide away from even yourself. There are boxes of memories and rooms of feeling and stacks of regret that you barricade off and quarantine because it's easier to exist that way. Who can face everything that has made them happy or sad or angry over all their years and be healed? Who can face that mountain every day?

Perhaps the point is to face all of that, come to terms with it and then let it go. There's where I hit the catch. I have a very hard time letting anything go. I dwell on things for days, month, years. Sometimes it seems like I dwell on things forever. I never let go. I don't like letting to. Not even when we're talking about letting go of something that stings and bites my hands and heart whenever I try to touch it. It hurts, but it's my hurt. I own it. It can always wound me so deep that I feel like staggering and just falling to my knees with the weight of it.

I'm the sort of person who still has notes from high school classes tucked away in a box somewhere. I've done purges. I have. I have thrown away things with sentimental value because I finally realized that they were just objects. It was still hard, and I replaced them with a new set of objects to attach feelings to. Not just pain but happiness and joy and regret and love. I use objects like touchstones. On top of my desk is a Buffy glass with Spike on it. It's Season 2 "School Hard" Spike with the deadly cheekbones and the black and red ensemble. It's not just a Spike glass gathering dust on top of my desk, though. It's a day spent in Edinburgh, walking from our hotel room around the city, down the lanes and finding ourselves at a mall. It's passing a man playing a bagpipe and selling his CDs on the street. It's a time machine to a handful of days, and it's right there within reach. It's the same with so many other little things that I keep.

I'm a tactical person who doesn't like to be touched. I don't like the unexpectedness of someone else touching me. I prefer to touch people. I offer hugs or pats on the back or shoulders. I'll play with your hair or give you a back rub. And you are to let me alone. I assign people and places and times and ideas to objects. I name them. I personify them, and I count on them in strange ways.

So even though I am alone most days when I don't work, I am always surrounded by people as long as these things are around me. My little metal sculpture of Stonehenge when the sun was out, and we goofed around taking pictures in front of a ring of stone. It was a day where we watched Bjorn take a picture of her foot with Stonehenge. It was a bus ride going through a town where there were just mannequin heads in a window. It's a music store. It's people.

I know, Buddha Box. You would have me cast off the clutter and the weights and the ties. You would have me meditate on myself as myself rather than myself as I am with certain people because I am everything and everyone. I have a legion of faces and methods and moods. I am who you need or want me to be. I am soft and pliable. I want to please you because you can make me feel needed and wanted and loved. I don't know what shape to take to please myself. It's something I should work on and something that scares me to death all at the same time how I can manage to be all and nothing with almost the same breath.

I have always been so scared of being nothing.
dreamcatchings: (paige: masks)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:






Like the wind
not caught by any net,
in solitude we gain
peace and balance.


I cannot argue with you here, Buddha Box. Not really. I know that the first step in attaining anything successful is to be able to find peace and happiness and love within and for yourself. I know this. It seems to be the simplest and hardest journey of them all, though, to be able to do that. Because whether you want to or not, whether you mean to or not, there are things you hide away from even yourself. There are boxes of memories and rooms of feeling and stacks of regret that you barricade off and quarantine because it's easier to exist that way. Who can face everything that has made them happy or sad or angry over all their years and be healed? Who can face that mountain every day?

Perhaps the point is to face all of that, come to terms with it and then let it go. There's where I hit the catch. I have a very hard time letting anything go. I dwell on things for days, month, years. Sometimes it seems like I dwell on things forever. I never let go. I don't like letting to. Not even when we're talking about letting go of something that stings and bites my hands and heart whenever I try to touch it. It hurts, but it's my hurt. I own it. It can always wound me so deep that I feel like staggering and just falling to my knees with the weight of it.

I'm the sort of person who still has notes from high school classes tucked away in a box somewhere. I've done purges. I have. I have thrown away things with sentimental value because I finally realized that they were just objects. It was still hard, and I replaced them with a new set of objects to attach feelings to. Not just pain but happiness and joy and regret and love. I use objects like touchstones. On top of my desk is a Buffy glass with Spike on it. It's Season 2 "School Hard" Spike with the deadly cheekbones and the black and red ensemble. It's not just a Spike glass gathering dust on top of my desk, though. It's a day spent in Edinburgh, walking from our hotel room around the city, down the lanes and finding ourselves at a mall. It's passing a man playing a bagpipe and selling his CDs on the street. It's a time machine to a handful of days, and it's right there within reach. It's the same with so many other little things that I keep.

I'm a tactical person who doesn't like to be touched. I don't like the unexpectedness of someone else touching me. I prefer to touch people. I offer hugs or pats on the back or shoulders. I'll play with your hair or give you a back rub. And you are to let me alone. I assign people and places and times and ideas to objects. I name them. I personify them, and I count on them in strange ways.

So even though I am alone most days when I don't work, I am always surrounded by people as long as these things are around me. My little metal sculpture of Stonehenge when the sun was out, and we goofed around taking pictures in front of a ring of stone. It was a day where we watched Bjorn take a picture of her foot with Stonehenge. It was a bus ride going through a town where there were just mannequin heads in a window. It's a music store. It's people.

I know, Buddha Box. You would have me cast off the clutter and the weights and the ties. You would have me meditate on myself as myself rather than myself as I am with certain people because I am everything and everyone. I have a legion of faces and methods and moods. I am who you need or want me to be. I am soft and pliable. I want to please you because you can make me feel needed and wanted and loved. I don't know what shape to take to please myself. It's something I should work on and something that scares me to death all at the same time how I can manage to be all and nothing with almost the same breath.

I have always been so scared of being nothing.
dreamcatchings: (dw: donna wrong)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





Never be
for this and
against that.
The argument between
for and against
is the mind's
worst enemy.


I sometimes think you forget who you're talking to, Buddha Box. I am practically the definition of Libra when it comes to balance. I want balance in all things, which is why I have such a hard time making decisions and why I say, "I don't care" or "Whatever you want" so often when asked what I want to do or where I want to go or what I want to eat. At the same time, though, there are certainly things that I am for and against. There are big things that I am against like organized religion and there are smaller things I am against like vampires who sparkle in the sunlight. I cannot be with you in this, Buddha Box. I cannot give up the extremes of emotion. I will not forsake love, though I believe that everyone should forsake hate. For people at least. Perhaps not for ideas or regimes or actions but certainly there should be no out and out hate for people. It never does us good to hate those who are connected to us anyway. The collective unconscious connects us all, runs like a river through the universe of our blood and behind our thoughts. Somewhere my mind mingles with yours in a way that neither of us are even cognizant of and probably will never know.

There will also be things that I am against, though. There will always be political and religious ideas that do not sit right with me and that seem unfair. My nature is to be against inequality. I cannot help that. I am not sure I want to relinquish that no matter how much pain and torment it might bring me as a result. This is a short entry. It cannot really be anything else. You and I will likely always disagree on this particular teaching.
dreamcatchings: (Default)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:




Never be
for this and
against that.
The argument between
for and against
is the mind's
worst enemy.


I sometimes think you forget who you're talking to, Buddha Box. I am practically the definition of Libra when it comes to balance. I want balance in all things, which is why I have such a hard time making decisions and why I say, "I don't care" or "Whatever you want" so often when asked what I want to do or where I want to go or what I want to eat. At the same time, though, there are certainly things that I am for and against. There are big things that I am against like organized religion and there are smaller things I am against like vampires who sparkle in the sunlight. I cannot be with you in this, Buddha Box. I cannot give up the extremes of emotion. I will not forsake love, though I believe that everyone should forsake hate. For people at least. Perhaps not for ideas or regimes or actions but certainly there should be no out and out hate for people. It never does us good to hate those who are connected to us anyway. The collective unconscious connects us all, runs like a river through the universe of our blood and behind our thoughts. Somewhere my mind mingles with yours in a way that neither of us are even cognizant of and probably will never know.

There will also be things that I am against, though. There will always be political and religious ideas that do not sit right with me and that seem unfair. My nature is to be against inequality. I cannot help that. I am not sure I want to relinquish that no matter how much pain and torment it might bring me as a result. This is a short entry. It cannot really be anything else. You and I will likely always disagree on this particular teaching.
dreamcatchings: (paige: masks)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





Not in outer space,
not in the middle of the ocean,
not in a crack in the remotest
mountains--there is nowhere
to go where karma will
not find you.



That would be one of the Teaching Tales cards.

Well I'm not quite sure what to tell you, Buddha Box. This one is a little obvious. Karma is one of those soul energy, cerebral, ethereal things. Of course you can't outrun it, and of course it can find you anywhere. It's not so much a thing that exists outside yourself as it is something you carry around inside of you like Divinity. It's probably part of the Divine that gets lodged in us all. No matter how hard you try, you really can't escape yourself. You can cover it over with masks and force it down and dress it up to go out dancing, but it's under all of that somewhere, Cocky accent and dirty nails and everything. It remains the way it was under all the trappings.

I'm not saying that chance is impossible. Change is. People change. I think that people change a little each and every day based on what happens and who they meet and the choices they make, but they're not those drastic changes. Not typically. They're usually the smaller changes, the river eventually wearing through the stone sort of changes. Little alterations that you maybe don't notice until a few years later when you look back at something and you don't recognize the you that was then anymore. It's strange to explain. I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of it, either.

What are you trying to get through to me now, Buddha Box? I'm getting a little tired of you preaching to me about karma. I'm starting to feel as guilty as Hitler, as marked as Cain. I think I live a good life. Good enough. I try to go through helping others rather than harming, though I know my words and my wit can be caustic. I try to let people know I don't actually mean it. Unless you're chiding me for being mean to myself, which I suppose doesn't make my karma any better, either. That's hard to let go, Buddha Box. I am not Catholic, but some of the Catholic ideals have been passed down to me through nurture and blood. I blame myself. I guilt myself. I punish myself. I don't pass out forgiveness to myself as much as to others.

I can see your point there. Why punish the one person I can never ever escape? Why be so mean? Why never forgive faults or weakness? I am too hard on myself, and it doesn't motivate me. It's not a positive sort of tough love. It's the demoralizing sort. It's likely that battle between the depression and myself. The trouble is I can't see where the one ends and the other begins.

I guess that's as good a place to begin the journey as any. I just don't know, after all these years, where to begin filtering. Still, Buddha Box, words to take to heart as always.
dreamcatchings: (paige: masks)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:








Not in outer space,
not in the middle of the ocean,
not in a crack in the remotest
mountains--there is nowhere
to go where karma will
not find you.



That would be one of the Teaching Tales cards.

Well I'm not quite sure what to tell you, Buddha Box. This one is a little obvious. Karma is one of those soul energy, cerebral, ethereal things. Of course you can't outrun it, and of course it can find you anywhere. It's not so much a thing that exists outside yourself as it is something you carry around inside of you like Divinity. It's probably part of the Divine that gets lodged in us all. No matter how hard you try, you really can't escape yourself. You can cover it over with masks and force it down and dress it up to go out dancing, but it's under all of that somewhere, Cocky accent and dirty nails and everything. It remains the way it was under all the trappings.

I'm not saying that chance is impossible. Change is. People change. I think that people change a little each and every day based on what happens and who they meet and the choices they make, but they're not those drastic changes. Not typically. They're usually the smaller changes, the river eventually wearing through the stone sort of changes. Little alterations that you maybe don't notice until a few years later when you look back at something and you don't recognize the you that was then anymore. It's strange to explain. I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of it, either.

What are you trying to get through to me now, Buddha Box? I'm getting a little tired of you preaching to me about karma. I'm starting to feel as guilty as Hitler, as marked as Cain. I think I live a good life. Good enough. I try to go through helping others rather than harming, though I know my words and my wit can be caustic. I try to let people know I don't actually mean it. Unless you're chiding me for being mean to myself, which I suppose doesn't make my karma any better, either. That's hard to let go, Buddha Box. I am not Catholic, but some of the Catholic ideals have been passed down to me through nurture and blood. I blame myself. I guilt myself. I punish myself. I don't pass out forgiveness to myself as much as to others.

I can see your point there. Why punish the one person I can never ever escape? Why be so mean? Why never forgive faults or weakness? I am too hard on myself, and it doesn't motivate me. It's not a positive sort of tough love. It's the demoralizing sort. It's likely that battle between the depression and myself. The trouble is I can't see where the one ends and the other begins.

I guess that's as good a place to begin the journey as any. I just don't know, after all these years, where to begin filtering. Still, Buddha Box, words to take to heart as always.
dreamcatchings: (xfiles: the truth is out there)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





When we waste time
it is like pulling the
flowers from a garland
and throwing them away.

When we use time wisely it is
like stringing fresh flowers to the
garland of our days.



I think I understand what you're trying to tell me, Buddha Box. I understand the general idea anyway. Putting things off by doing nothing helps no one. It does not make me feel better, and it certainly does not get anything accomplished. It is not right work or right thought. There are a lot of things in my life that feel like a waste of time. It's not just the days where I cannot manage to make myself do much. Even if I'm watching television while crocheting I'm doing something. I'm working on perfecting a skill that I not only want but that could help me in the future. It's the days where I drift from one room to another without accomplishing anything by the end of the day other than feeling sorry for myself that are really a waste. I'm not contributing to my happiness or to the betterment of the world at large. Not that I imagine that I contribute much to the betterment of the world most of the time. I'm not much of a joiner. I'm not involved in movements. It's not that I don't believe strongly in things because I do. I just can't seem to muster up the energy to get involved with organizations. I've always had a thing about organizations.

It's more than that, though. Wasting my off days is not nearly as detrimental as the fact that the days and weeks and years of my life feel wasted right now. For the most part. Yes, I have learned life lessons. Yes, I have made some friends who I love so dearly it makes my heart ache. And, yes, I have lost things that have crippled my emotionally.

There's something about my job that feels like such a waste. I never ever loved it. Not really. Not even in the beginning. It used to upset me so, the change, the getting used to everything, the fitting into the rhythm of it all, that I would come home distraught with headaches, crying, not wanting to go in the next day because I just wasn't sure I could do it. I didn't like the driving, and I hadn't learned my way around everything. I hadn't really made any friends, either, because I hadn't gotten comfortable enough to come out of my shell. Things changed. I got comfortable and let people get close to me. I became confident in the job. I still didn't love it, but it was so much better than it had been. I let myself start making plans about it. How I would get into the Special Projects team and then become a lead and then maybe become a supervisor or go to another department. I thought eventually someone might recognize the skills I had and put them to good use. I thought someone might appreciate the fact that I wanted changes and challenges and things to make my brain work.

Yet I feel passed over and discontent. I don't care about it. There's nothing to care about there anymore. Each and every day feels like a waste of my time and energy. They try to coerce me into wanting more with the promise of money without realizing that I am not the sort of person who is enticed by money. I know I need it. I budget what I have. It's not what I want, though.

I see the positions I meant to move toward and do not like what they have done to other people. I do not like what they have become.

Wasting time. I am wasting time there because it is safe, and I know what I'm doing.

I should be going back to school or finding a new job or starting my own business or traveling. I should be doing something worthwhile. I should be doing something that will make me something other than mundane and ordinary and useless. I have always hated feeling mundane.

I hear, Buddha Box. It may just be the time for changes. I don't know where to find the strength.
dreamcatchings: (Default)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





When we waste time
it is like pulling the
flowers from a garland
and throwing them away.

When we use time wisely it is
like stringing fresh flowers to the
garland of our days.



I think I understand what you're trying to tell me, Buddha Box. I understand the general idea anyway. Putting things off by doing nothing helps no one. It does not make me feel better, and it certainly does not get anything accomplished. It is not right work or right thought. There are a lot of things in my life that feel like a waste of time. It's not just the days where I cannot manage to make myself do much. Even if I'm watching television while crocheting I'm doing something. I'm working on perfecting a skill that I not only want but that could help me in the future. It's the days where I drift from one room to another without accomplishing anything by the end of the day other than feeling sorry for myself that are really a waste. I'm not contributing to my happiness or to the betterment of the world at large. Not that I imagine that I contribute much to the betterment of the world most of the time. I'm not much of a joiner. I'm not involved in movements. It's not that I don't believe strongly in things because I do. I just can't seem to muster up the energy to get involved with organizations. I've always had a thing about organizations.

It's more than that, though. Wasting my off days is not nearly as detrimental as the fact that the days and weeks and years of my life feel wasted right now. For the most part. Yes, I have learned life lessons. Yes, I have made some friends who I love so dearly it makes my heart ache. And, yes, I have lost things that have crippled my emotionally.

There's something about my job that feels like such a waste. I never ever loved it. Not really. Not even in the beginning. It used to upset me so, the change, the getting used to everything, the fitting into the rhythm of it all, that I would come home distraught with headaches, crying, not wanting to go in the next day because I just wasn't sure I could do it. I didn't like the driving, and I hadn't learned my way around everything. I hadn't really made any friends, either, because I hadn't gotten comfortable enough to come out of my shell. Things changed. I got comfortable and let people get close to me. I became confident in the job. I still didn't love it, but it was so much better than it had been. I let myself start making plans about it. How I would get into the Special Projects team and then become a lead and then maybe become a supervisor or go to another department. I thought eventually someone might recognize the skills I had and put them to good use. I thought someone might appreciate the fact that I wanted changes and challenges and things to make my brain work.

Yet I feel passed over and discontent. I don't care about it. There's nothing to care about there anymore. Each and every day feels like a waste of my time and energy. They try to coerce me into wanting more with the promise of money without realizing that I am not the sort of person who is enticed by money. I know I need it. I budget what I have. It's not what I want, though.

I see the positions I meant to move toward and do not like what they have done to other people. I do not like what they have become.

Wasting time. I am wasting time there because it is safe, and I know what I'm doing.

I should be going back to school or finding a new job or starting my own business or traveling. I should be doing something worthwhile. I should be doing something that will make me something other than mundane and ordinary and useless. I have always hated feeling mundane.

I hear, Buddha Box. It may just be the time for changes. I don't know where to find the strength.
dreamcatchings: (tw: tosh cartography)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





There are two things in
this world which no fool
should argue with:
that good actions bring
happiness and bad
actions bring misery.


I'm not sure I'm in the state of mind to deal with this right now, Buddha Box. I understand what you're saying. I get the point of it. It's all about karma. That whole you reap what you sow deal. It's not that I don't believe that, but I can't take it to the extreme. I cannot believe that I have deserved everything bad that has happened to me. Surely there are things that are tests or things that are just unlucky. Surely everything is not my fault. I've lived feeling like everything is all my fault for so long that it threatens to drown me sometimes.

Besides that, I think that I have done good actions. I feel that I try to be a good person and put other people first and offer myself up for support. I try, Buddha Box. It just gets so hard to do nothing but give of myself and feel that I'm not getting enough back to survive on. I have to keep parts of me for me. I need the energy and the soul and the strength. I don't know how to give everything away. I don't know how to release possessions or extremes. Well, I try very hard not to reach extremes. It's easy not to hate. I may say the words, but I don't actually mean them. Most of the time, it's actions that I dislike more than the people who make them.

I tend to hate situations that I'm put in and situations that disappoint me but not the people that disappoint me. I can't sit here and say that I really, truly hate anyone. I can, however, sit here and say that I really, truly love some people. Down to my bleeding, aching, needy heart I love them. They make up the framework of my life. I might not say it or show it the way I'm supposed to, the way that most people do, but I do love fiercely.

Maybe it's that my love isn't open, my trust isn't open. These doors are hard to gain access to. It's an elitist club. There are trials and tests and rings of fire to pass through. You have to be able to deal with me for one. You not only have to listen to my words but know how to listen to the spaces between my words. I deal in secrets and puzzles. Maybe those are my bad actions. Perhaps I should be more open and accepting like the river. Perhaps I should allow myself to flow over people like water, slowly grooving my impression into them with time, touching all, caring for all. I just worry about losing myself if I let so many people in. If I give and love everyone but don't feel anything coming back, how can I survive? Won't that wash what little is left of me away, out of my tightly clenched hands and high built stone walls?

I know what you mean, Buddha Box. I understand the balance. I understand. I just don't know if I can apply it. I don't know that I can fully believe it. How much else do I have to do to see the good actions? What more do I need to lose before I am repaid? When are my books balanced?

What did I do in a past life to so displease the universe, Buddha Box? If you can answer that for me, I might believe your words a little more. I just can't wrap my head around how I'm such a bad person that I deserve all the shitty things that have happened to me. I don't believe that I deserve to be this miserable. I'm sorry. That doesn't seem fair or balanced.

I shall continue to do good or, at least, what I believe is good. I can continue to wait. I am like the river that way: I am patient.
dreamcatchings: (Default)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:

There are two things in
this world which no fool
should argue with:
that good actions bring
happiness and bad
actions bring misery.


I'm not sure I'm in the state of mind to deal with this right now, Buddha Box. I understand what you're saying. I get the point of it. It's all about karma. That whole you reap what you sow deal. It's not that I don't believe that, but I can't take it to the extreme. I cannot believe that I have deserved everything bad that has happened to me. Surely there are things that are tests or things that are just unlucky. Surely everything is not my fault. I've lived feeling like everything is all my fault for so long that it threatens to drown me sometimes.

Besides that, I think that I have done good actions. I feel that I try to be a good person and put other people first and offer myself up for support. I try, Buddha Box. It just gets so hard to do nothing but give of myself and feel that I'm not getting enough back to survive on. I have to keep parts of me for me. I need the energy and the soul and the strength. I don't know how to give everything away. I don't know how to release possessions or extremes. Well, I try very hard not to reach extremes. It's easy not to hate. I may say the words, but I don't actually mean them. Most of the time, it's actions that I dislike more than the people who make them.

I tend to hate situations that I'm put in and situations that disappoint me but not the people that disappoint me. I can't sit here and say that I really, truly hate anyone. I can, however, sit here and say that I really, truly love some people. Down to my bleeding, aching, needy heart I love them. They make up the framework of my life. I might not say it or show it the way I'm supposed to, the way that most people do, but I do love fiercely.

Maybe it's that my love isn't open, my trust isn't open. These doors are hard to gain access to. It's an elitist club. There are trials and tests and rings of fire to pass through. You have to be able to deal with me for one. You not only have to listen to my words but know how to listen to the spaces between my words. I deal in secrets and puzzles. Maybe those are my bad actions. Perhaps I should be more open and accepting like the river. Perhaps I should allow myself to flow over people like water, slowly grooving my impression into them with time, touching all, caring for all. I just worry about losing myself if I let so many people in. If I give and love everyone but don't feel anything coming back, how can I survive? Won't that wash what little is left of me away, out of my tightly clenched hands and high built stone walls?

I know what you mean, Buddha Box. I understand the balance. I understand. I just don't know if I can apply it. I don't know that I can fully believe it. How much else do I have to do to see the good actions? What more do I need to lose before I am repaid? When are my books balanced?

What did I do in a past life to so displease the universe, Buddha Box? If you can answer that for me, I might believe your words a little more. I just can't wrap my head around how I'm such a bad person that I deserve all the shitty things that have happened to me. I don't believe that I deserve to be this miserable. I'm sorry. That doesn't seem fair or balanced.

I shall continue to do good or, at least, what I believe is good. I can continue to wait. I am like the river that way: I am patient.
dreamcatchings: (esotsm: heartlost)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





What is,
is the same as what is not.
What is not,
is the same as what is.

When you realize this,
being perfect, is already.



This is a Practice card, which I'm gathering means that this is something I'm supposed to try and incorporate into my life. And I get it, I do. I understand the purpose of this line of thinking, Buddha Box, but I'm not the sort of person who can put this into practice. At least, I don't think I am. I focus too much on what is not. I linger on what I am not and what I should be and what I have not managed to become. The hardest part is that all of that, all of that thinking about what I'm not is so staggering that I don't really try to change. Not in any major ways. Not purposefully. I change because everything changes. Even though they say that people never change, it's not true. It's just that typically the changes are so small that a lot of people would miss them, pass them right over and go straight on to the other side. As a general rule, people do not notice other people. Not for what they are anyway. They see the outsides, the masks that we have deemed it's okay to show the world or this person or that person. Mask upon mask upon mask. If you kept digging, it you kept taking them off, one after another, would there be anything at the core? Or would it be an empty box? Do we build all these walls around our cores to protect who we are from being torn apart by the inherent harshness of the world or are these facades there to convince ourselves that we really aren't nothing? I'd like to believe that it's the former, but I'm not sure that I've scraped myself raw enough to know.

I never wanted perfection. I have always believed that perfection is unattainable. If we were perfect, we would stop being human. Humanity seems to be all about accepting yourself despite the imperfections. It's embracing your flaws whether they be physical or mental or emotional or social. Perfection was never a goal of mine. Not failing, however, was a goal. As was learning to be content, being special. Not being mundane. I hate the idea of being mundane, yet I fear that I have fallen into the trap. There's a line that jumps into my mind at times, and I don't know if it's the depression, since we've talked about the fact that depression is supposed to be a separate thing, a sort of monster in your brain that your higher facilities go to war with yet depression typically wins because it feeds off your weariness and it plays dirty, or if it is me. Whichever the case, the line I have for myself is: "Replaceable, unlovable, forgetable, ignorable me." I use that for myself. I use that to describe myself.

So, no, perfection was never a goal. Being special was. I seem to have shattered that goal a million times over because I lack something. Energy, ambition, drive. I want things. I get excited over things. And then it fades back to the low level of emotion I usually maintain, the deadened "I have to get through this. I have to keep going."

I don't understand, Buddha Box. It comes down to that. I do not understand. What is, is. I am alone, tired, frightened, lost, yearning, broken, falling, isolated, withdrawn. I am not vibrant, energetic, confidant, open, fulfilled, whole, pretty, found, saved. I am not saved. (I would like to take a moment that I do not saved in a religious context. I do not believe in organized religion, especially the various trappings of Christianity. I believe that god is inside everything living, and that we interrupt him in any way that we need to, which makes all religions and belief systems valid. I believe you create your own hell. When you have a crisis of faith, you have lost the path to find the god inside. No one else can save you or show you your path.) No one has saved me. I am not sure that anyone outside the existence in my head can save me. Perhaps people can only offer signposts.

I don't know what you mean, Buddha Box. It is possible I am not ready for this revelation. For now, I may simply have to simply view it in the same way that I believe in parallel universes. Somewhere, some when there is a me who took a different path. Our roads diverged at some point in time such that she is what I am not. That I can live with. That I can understand. Yet I'm fairly convinced that this is not the truth you are trying to tell me; it will have to do for now.
dreamcatchings: (Default)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:




What is,
is the same as what is not.
What is not,
is the same as what is.

When you realize this,
being perfect, is already.



This is a Practice card, which I'm gathering means that this is something I'm supposed to try and incorporate into my life. And I get it, I do. I understand the purpose of this line of thinking, Buddha Box, but I'm not the sort of person who can put this into practice. At least, I don't think I am. I focus too much on what is not. I linger on what I am not and what I should be and what I have not managed to become. The hardest part is that all of that, all of that thinking about what I'm not is so staggering that I don't really try to change. Not in any major ways. Not purposefully. I change because everything changes. Even though they say that people never change, it's not true. It's just that typically the changes are so small that a lot of people would miss them, pass them right over and go straight on to the other side. As a general rule, people do not notice other people. Not for what they are anyway. They see the outsides, the masks that we have deemed it's okay to show the world or this person or that person. Mask upon mask upon mask. If you kept digging, it you kept taking them off, one after another, would there be anything at the core? Or would it be an empty box? Do we build all these walls around our cores to protect who we are from being torn apart by the inherent harshness of the world or are these facades there to convince ourselves that we really aren't nothing? I'd like to believe that it's the former, but I'm not sure that I've scraped myself raw enough to know.

I never wanted perfection. I have always believed that perfection is unattainable. If we were perfect, we would stop being human. Humanity seems to be all about accepting yourself despite the imperfections. It's embracing your flaws whether they be physical or mental or emotional or social. Perfection was never a goal of mine. Not failing, however, was a goal. As was learning to be content, being special. Not being mundane. I hate the idea of being mundane, yet I fear that I have fallen into the trap. There's a line that jumps into my mind at times, and I don't know if it's the depression, since we've talked about the fact that depression is supposed to be a separate thing, a sort of monster in your brain that your higher facilities go to war with yet depression typically wins because it feeds off your weariness and it plays dirty, or if it is me. Whichever the case, the line I have for myself is: "Replaceable, unlovable, forgetable, ignorable me." I use that for myself. I use that to describe myself.

So, no, perfection was never a goal. Being special was. I seem to have shattered that goal a million times over because I lack something. Energy, ambition, drive. I want things. I get excited over things. And then it fades back to the low level of emotion I usually maintain, the deadened "I have to get through this. I have to keep going."

I don't understand, Buddha Box. It comes down to that. I do not understand. What is, is. I am alone, tired, frightened, lost, yearning, broken, falling, isolated, withdrawn. I am not vibrant, energetic, confidant, open, fulfilled, whole, pretty, found, saved. I am not saved. (I would like to take a moment that I do not saved in a religious context. I do not believe in organized religion, especially the various trappings of Christianity. I believe that god is inside everything living, and that we interrupt him in any way that we need to, which makes all religions and belief systems valid. I believe you create your own hell. When you have a crisis of faith, you have lost the path to find the god inside. No one else can save you or show you your path.) No one has saved me. I am not sure that anyone outside the existence in my head can save me. Perhaps people can only offer signposts.

I don't know what you mean, Buddha Box. It is possible I am not ready for this revelation. For now, I may simply have to simply view it in the same way that I believe in parallel universes. Somewhere, some when there is a me who took a different path. Our roads diverged at some point in time such that she is what I am not. That I can live with. That I can understand. Yet I'm fairly convinced that this is not the truth you are trying to tell me; it will have to do for now.
dreamcatchings: (tw: secret smile)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





Remember the saying
"The lights are on but nobody's home"?
When you meditate, sitting there
is like turning the lights on,
but then you also have to come home.



This is, obviously, one of the Meditation cards. I think I'm going to find these the hardest to relate to because I haven't meditated in so long. I'm also not sure that I was ever really meditating correctly. Most of the time when I would meditate, it was less the Buddhist sort and more the Wiccan sort, in that I was focusing on something, rather an idea or goal or just trying to feel more connected to the world around me by merging and exchanging energy. I'm not sure if it's the same sort of goal with the Buddhist meditation. I should probably ask a friend of mine I work with who is really into Eastern philosopy and religion. He would know. He probably has several books about it.

It's not to say that I don't understand your point, Buddhist Box. I do. I can't actually verbalize it well, but I understand. It's a calling to be present in all activities and to use meditation to become more present. I think. Again. These are going to be the hardest cards for me. The only thing I can automatically relate this to is the fact that I've felt like I'm just sleepwalking through certain parts of my life. I go on autopilot. I am not in the moment. I am not invested because, well, I don't want to be. To be honest, the less invested in certain things I am, the less they hurt.

At the same time, though, I feel so distant and detached from things. Mostly from people but also from goals and dreams and, well, success. My definiton of success is not the same as, well, I don't want to say everyone's but a lot of people's. I know a vast number of people who define success as being wealthy; I don't. To me success is being happy and fulfilled in what you're doing. It means that you have struck a balance. You have reached the point where you are happy with yourself. You have not stopped growing or learning, but you have stopped fighting life on every step along the way. You have surrendered to the waves not because they overcame you but because you have reached an agreement. Success, to me, is loving what you do, having friends who support and love you without bringing the drama constantly and still having time for new dreams and good books and concerts and wine. Success is being in the moment and enjoying every second. It is not checking out at work because you're not happy with it. It is not avoiding texts from people because you don't want to be in the middle of their next big disaster. It is not chasing people around and making all the effort to maintain a friendship with them. It is realizing that everything goes both ways. It is letting go of what doesn't work.

Thank you, Buddha Box. That ended up being helpful and hard, which is representative of life. Maybe I should start meditating again.
dreamcatchings: (Default)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:




Remember the saying
"The lights are on but nobody's home"?
When you meditate, sitting there
is like turning the lights on,
but then you also have to come home.



This is, obviously, one of the Meditation cards. I think I'm going to find these the hardest to relate to because I haven't meditated in so long. I'm also not sure that I was ever really meditating correctly. Most of the time when I would meditate, it was less the Buddhist sort and more the Wiccan sort, in that I was focusing on something, rather an idea or goal or just trying to feel more connected to the world around me by merging and exchanging energy. I'm not sure if it's the same sort of goal with the Buddhist meditation. I should probably ask a friend of mine I work with who is really into Eastern philosopy and religion. He would know. He probably has several books about it.

It's not to say that I don't understand your point, Buddhist Box. I do. I can't actually verbalize it well, but I understand. It's a calling to be present in all activities and to use meditation to become more present. I think. Again. These are going to be the hardest cards for me. The only thing I can automatically relate this to is the fact that I've felt like I'm just sleepwalking through certain parts of my life. I go on autopilot. I am not in the moment. I am not invested because, well, I don't want to be. To be honest, the less invested in certain things I am, the less they hurt.

At the same time, though, I feel so distant and detached from things. Mostly from people but also from goals and dreams and, well, success. My definiton of success is not the same as, well, I don't want to say everyone's but a lot of people's. I know a vast number of people who define success as being wealthy; I don't. To me success is being happy and fulfilled in what you're doing. It means that you have struck a balance. You have reached the point where you are happy with yourself. You have not stopped growing or learning, but you have stopped fighting life on every step along the way. You have surrendered to the waves not because they overcame you but because you have reached an agreement. Success, to me, is loving what you do, having friends who support and love you without bringing the drama constantly and still having time for new dreams and good books and concerts and wine. Success is being in the moment and enjoying every second. It is not checking out at work because you're not happy with it. It is not avoiding texts from people because you don't want to be in the middle of their next big disaster. It is not chasing people around and making all the effort to maintain a friendship with them. It is realizing that everything goes both ways. It is letting go of what doesn't work.

Thank you, Buddha Box. That ended up being helpful and hard, which is representative of life. Maybe I should start meditating again.
dreamcatchings: (gert: trust no one)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





Right Speech

Avoid gossip
and don't repeat there
what you have heard here.
Never say things that turn one
person again another:
instead mend quarrels.
Say what is useful,
then your speech will be
like a treasure


Good call little Buddha box. That applies to things going on in the work place for sure. It's also totally easier said then done, especially when the whole point of corporate life seems to be to separate people and pit them against each other. At least that's the way that it feels.

I don't want to go into too much detail because I do leave this thing open on purpose. I could easily flock it if I wanted to but that somehow seems to be outside what this has always been: the best window for the world to see who I am, what I think, what I feel and what goes on in my life. Things are omitted. Names are not always given. But I keep it as open as my feelings are brutally honest on here. You guys get the full brunt of every nuance and shifting emotional state, although I tend not to come gushing good things but linger on the bad. Such am I. Still. The very fact that this journal is left open (and linked to multiple things) means that I never know who all might be reading, and I don't want to get myself or anyone else in trouble.

Let's just say things at work are not so glamorous right now. There are a lot of people whose feelings have been hurt by decisions made by people higher up the food chain than us. My supervisor left, which means I have a new supervisor that I had before in my previous position. That's good because I really feel that my current supervisor has my back. I think he'll do what he can to make things better. At least as much as is in within his power to change.

Other people at work who know have positions of authority have let it go to their head and are being pretty unbearable, especially to the little group I work in as we are and yet are not part of the floor at large. It's strange to explain.

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Sara

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