dreamcatchings: (willow: sorrow)
Sometimes I feel like I wear sadness as a second skin. Sometimes I feel like the hole is just entirely too deep, and I am entirely too tired to try and claw my way out of it when all I do is slide right back down again.

I'm super conflicted over something right now, and I know I'm being the biggest idiot in the world because it's not what I think it is. It's never what I think it is. I can't keep myself from being hopeful, though. Yet I also know how futile that hope is in this situation, and it rips me apart.

Why can't I have an easy life? Why can't I have the sort of mindset that allow me to will myself into being happy?

What is wrong with me that I always want what I cannot have?
dreamcatchings: (Default)
Sometimes I feel like I wear sadness as a second skin. Sometimes I feel like the hole is just entirely too deep, and I am entirely too tired to try and claw my way out of it when all I do is slide right back down again.

I'm super conflicted over something right now, and I know I'm being the biggest idiot in the world because it's not what I think it is. It's never what I think it is. I can't keep myself from being hopeful, though. Yet I also know how futile that hope is in this situation, and it rips me apart.

Why can't I have an easy life? Why can't I have the sort of mindset that allow me to will myself into being happy?

What is wrong with me that I always want what I cannot have?
dreamcatchings: (stressed)
Fallen into a blue mood. Which means listlessness and a general desire to do nothing. I don't even want to talk to friends, which I'm sure is annoying to people. Well, strike that. I am able to put on the work mask of smile, joke lightly and help people as I do every day but beyond that. No energy.

And my wicked idea? Seems more and more ludicrous and just plain stupid.

Add to that the way my apartment complex turns off both the water and the air without informing me. Thanks, guys. That just blows.

Whatever.

ETA: There's the air back on. I'd much rather have the water. Good thing I filled the Brita pitcher last night since I had to heat it up and use it for bath water.
dreamcatchings: (girl)
It's horrible to ruin a perfectly good night of drinking and spending time with friends by getting melancholy and crying on the drive home.
dreamcatchings: (why)
I had things to write earlier. I did.

Now I'm just tired. And my head and eyes hurt. [livejournal.com profile] timberwolfblues was over today so we could go through the stuff. I ended up crying through most of it. I didn't think it would be so fucking painful. They're just things, after all. They're just plastic and paper and lifeless. They can't hurt. They can't wonder what's happened.

But they don't remember what each of them holds. The memories and the time. They're just objects.

I'm not crying for the loss of them so much as for what they represented.

I wish I were plastic and paper and lifeless. I wish I was an object and nothing fazed me. I wish I could look at the fact that I have to do everything alone and be everywhere alone and just think of myself as alone and not feel like someone's cut my soul out.

I wish I were stronger than begging for another chance even though I know it wouldn't work out.

I wish.

It still hurts. Oh god, it hurts.
dreamcatchings: (broken)
I just had--last weekend just--resorted the books so that they were more orderly on the shelves. And now I'll have to go through and sort his out.

I need to go through the bills again to make sure I can pay everything. Some cuts might need to be made. I might take money out of my savings in order to pay off a few credit cards so I don't have those hanging over my head every month. I can get rid of Netflix. I can take his phone off my cell bill.

I hope taking his name off the lease doesn't do anything to the retroactive monthly rent. If it does, I'll have to move.

I have to tell my parents.

I haven't slept. I talked to him and then called my friend Patrick and then called [livejournal.com profile] tsylyst and then called him again and then called [livejournal.com profile] laele75 at which point it was verging on 5am. I get up at 6am. There was no point in sleeping. I can't sleep anyway.

I still love him. He still loves me. But we're not working. And we were both unhappy for at least a year and neither of us talked about it. At least not to each other. He apparently spoke of it to other people. I, being silent as churches, did not. I am not bashing here. I am above that in such a public venue. People have been told details. People I needed to tell because of how important they are to me and how much it hurt. Still hurts. Will likely hurt for a while to come.

The bottom line is that we were hurting each other a lot more staying together than being apart.

I don't believe him when he says someone else will love me. I don't. He can disagree with that, but it's an opinion he's going to have to learn to live with.

I'm going to work today to talk to my manager. Currently, he and I are at the same building and while we would do nothing to jeopardize the other's career, it will be painful and awkward. Not to mention that my entire real life support group is in the other building, my original building. And I sort of, kind of need them right now. I'm not in the habit of needing people too much. Case in point being the entire reason for this post.

It's strange.

I'm admitting. I'm rambling. I am letting out because I spent so long holding in, and that made me so tired. So tired. It stopped everything from going. My words were gone

It's strange, but I wanted this. It hurts. Oh, it aches. It's seven years of memories and love and pain and fear and trust and companionship that I don't know what to do with. It's staring at it all and trying to figure out whether to box it up or let it sit. My other break-up was not like this. My other break-up never had a real conclusion. We parted ways over e-mail as teenagers do. And I hated him. (Sorry J.) I did hate him.

I can't hate [livejournal.com profile] timberwolfblues. I can't. We both created this mess. We both let it spin out of control no matter what things I may have said over the phone to people who got me through this cold and dark night.

I don't hate him. I can't. He's got a little piece of my soul and heart. I wish him well. I hope I have the strength and the kindness to remain friends with him. I hope the feelings fade. I hope the memories drift until they are nothing but a haze that I can look at without weeping, and I will weep. I can cry like the heavens when I let myself feel. I've been numb recently. I hope that happiness is out there, and I can find it. Seize it with both hands and not let go. I hope. I wish.

I do not pray.

I'm not sure how to be single. I'm not sure how to meet people. I don't know what to do. He was my second boyfriend.

Days Go By

Dec. 7th, 2007 11:44 am
dreamcatchings: (believe)
In case you haven't already figured it out, I am alive. I'm also doing better than I was a few weeks ago. Still not totally dug out of my hole but not so far down.

I'm still not writing anything, which means I haven't posted to any of my games in, um, so long it's making me feel guilty. I should probably just quit them (assuming I haven't been kicked out of them all by now.)

Even though I haven't been writing, I feel in the mood to try again, which is a big deal to me because previously I wanted nothing to do with anything. In the spirit of that, I am opening myself up to five drabble requests. Please comment with characters and/or fandom you would like me to tackle. Feel free to give as much or as little detail of what you want to see as you like.
dreamcatchings: (comfort)
I was going to be something by 25. I was convinced of that.

Another mark of failure, obviously, that I am still nothing and no one special.

My friend from work, who reminds me of Brandon in too many ways, tells me that I'm better when I try.

It's much easier not to care.

Comments turned off, and I'm not answering my phone.
dreamcatchings: (girl)
If I were still in college, I'd be back at school by now.

And [livejournal.com profile] norachan and I would busily be setting up our room. Moving furniture, putting up posters, covering as much of the walls with stuff as we could because we always liked that.

We'd be having crazy adventures.

I'd be on campus.

I wouldn't end up being alone for 80% of the day.

I wouldn't feel like such a failure.
dreamcatchings: (disappointment)
Thank God for Aleve eventually deciding to kick in.

For a while.

Though I did get more done today RP-wise than I thought I would.

And Craig was all, "I've been hearing good things about you from customers. That you're knowledgeable and professional and helpful. And I'm impressed and pleased with the work I've been seeing out of you." Which made me feel great.

But also a tiny bit bad that I still need to ask him about taking two months off this summer in order to do the writing class thing.

I can be honest with myself. I stay here. In this job. In this town. Safe. Mundane. Unimportant. Nothing special.

Because I'm afraid.

Of trying and still being mundane and unimportant and nothing special.

...I just depressed myself again.
dreamcatchings: (disappointment)
When you plan your life around the time schedule for SJC, that's sad. When planning your life around this makes you feel like you have something to do, that's even sadder.

In other news, today I drove my car around, watched the first disc of Utena, made some necklaces and bought two new shirts. It was something of a productive day off.

Also? The job I applied for? I got a call from them the minute I was walking out the door to take the boy to work. I got the lady's number and said I'd call back. I did. They haven't called back yet. I'm afraid I got my cell number wrong when I left it on her machine because hello! I don't bloody call it all the time. (Yeah, I'm a prat. Shut up.) So tomorrow I'll call her back. I'm not sure I want the new job in Louisville, especially since I nearly go into a panic when trying to back out of my drive, but I'm flattered and want to talk to them about it.

I'm also felt bloody odd all day. Lethargic and yet restless at the same time. Everybody's right. I need a vacation.

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Sara

July 2012

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