dreamcatchings: (spike: must focus)
I've had a mostly present on and off headache for the past three days, which has not been fun at all. It's one of those frontal lobe piercing pains that can't really be ignored and is accompanied by malaise, sensitivity to light, sound and motion along with aching teeth. Driving to work on Wednesday was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't know if these count as migraines, but I wouldn't be surprised. I staved it off for part of today when I was hanging out with my father, but it's come back with a vengeance. The only thing I've really been doing is reading, which hurts but hurts less because I can read in dimmer light and there doesn't have to be noise. The upstairs neighbors aren't helping. I've been moving from room to room trying to avoid their noise because it's not bad, but it hurts.

I had a thought today. When I visit with my mother I frequently get irritated and tired of her rather quickly. My patience and temper become short, and I typically want to get home and away as fast as possible. I'm not quite sure what is causing this reaction, but I feel poorly about it because, well, she's my mother. I do having fun with her, but she just gets on my nerves so quickly. If you've never met my mother, she's a bit of a high strung narcissist. I think it grates on my nerves. She's only getting worse with age.

Spending time with my father, on the other hand, is pleasant. We talk about things and watch movies and go shopping. I don't get exasperated trying to help him with computer issues. In fact it's sort of fun to show him things because he listens and he's rational about it. My mother seems to be unwilling to learn. My father will happily learn anything I teach him. We're similar in temperament, my father and I. We're laid back and easygoing and quiet and prone to solitude. I find myself wanting to spend more time with him, which is difficult because he lives further away. Gas is a precious commodity. If things were dire, I could live with my father again. Under no circumstances could I live with my mother without driving myself completely and fiercely insane.

In other news I have started reading the Fire and Ice series. My friend Patrick and I are sort of reading it together. We're currently reading A Game of Thrones, and I'm a little ashamed to admit that he's ahead of me although I hope to rectify that this weekend since reading is the one thing I can really do with this headache. I've already watched the first season of the HBO series so I'm a little spoiled, but I'm really enjoying the book. Patrick and I have plans to read other books together like this, and I think it will be fun. I like having someone to keep pace with and discuss the books with.

Tyrion is made of win. Seriously. I'm going to need icons soon.
dreamcatchings: (Default)
I've had a mostly present on and off headache for the past three days, which has not been fun at all. It's one of those frontal lobe piercing pains that can't really be ignored and is accompanied by malaise, sensitivity to light, sound and motion along with aching teeth. Driving to work on Wednesday was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't know if these count as migraines, but I wouldn't be surprised. I staved it off for part of today when I was hanging out with my father, but it's come back with a vengeance. The only thing I've really been doing is reading, which hurts but hurts less because I can read in dimmer light and there doesn't have to be noise. The upstairs neighbors aren't helping. I've been moving from room to room trying to avoid their noise because it's not bad, but it hurts.

I had a thought today. When I visit with my mother I frequently get irritated and tired of her rather quickly. My patience and temper become short, and I typically want to get home and away as fast as possible. I'm not quite sure what is causing this reaction, but I feel poorly about it because, well, she's my mother. I do having fun with her, but she just gets on my nerves so quickly. If you've never met my mother, she's a bit of a high strung narcissist. I think it grates on my nerves. She's only getting worse with age.

Spending time with my father, on the other hand, is pleasant. We talk about things and watch movies and go shopping. I don't get exasperated trying to help him with computer issues. In fact it's sort of fun to show him things because he listens and he's rational about it. My mother seems to be unwilling to learn. My father will happily learn anything I teach him. We're similar in temperament, my father and I. We're laid back and easygoing and quiet and prone to solitude. I find myself wanting to spend more time with him, which is difficult because he lives further away. Gas is a precious commodity. If things were dire, I could live with my father again. Under no circumstances could I live with my mother without driving myself completely and fiercely insane.

In other news I have started reading the Fire and Ice series. My friend Patrick and I are sort of reading it together. We're currently reading A Game of Thrones, and I'm a little ashamed to admit that he's ahead of me although I hope to rectify that this weekend since reading is the one thing I can really do with this headache. I've already watched the first season of the HBO series so I'm a little spoiled, but I'm really enjoying the book. Patrick and I have plans to read other books together like this, and I think it will be fun. I like having someone to keep pace with and discuss the books with.

Tyrion is made of win. Seriously. I'm going to need icons soon.
dreamcatchings: (tbfc)
Places I need to go to see people:

North Carolina for [livejournal.com profile] kcauac (plotting)
Fort Wayne for [livejournal.com profile] tsylyst
Texas for [livejournal.com profile] wanderlustlover
Washington State for [livejournal.com profile] laele75
Iowa for [livejournal.com profile] norachan

And many more. These are probably the top five at the moment, though.
dreamcatchings: (paige: masks)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:






Like the wind
not caught by any net,
in solitude we gain
peace and balance.


I cannot argue with you here, Buddha Box. Not really. I know that the first step in attaining anything successful is to be able to find peace and happiness and love within and for yourself. I know this. It seems to be the simplest and hardest journey of them all, though, to be able to do that. Because whether you want to or not, whether you mean to or not, there are things you hide away from even yourself. There are boxes of memories and rooms of feeling and stacks of regret that you barricade off and quarantine because it's easier to exist that way. Who can face everything that has made them happy or sad or angry over all their years and be healed? Who can face that mountain every day?

Perhaps the point is to face all of that, come to terms with it and then let it go. There's where I hit the catch. I have a very hard time letting anything go. I dwell on things for days, month, years. Sometimes it seems like I dwell on things forever. I never let go. I don't like letting to. Not even when we're talking about letting go of something that stings and bites my hands and heart whenever I try to touch it. It hurts, but it's my hurt. I own it. It can always wound me so deep that I feel like staggering and just falling to my knees with the weight of it.

I'm the sort of person who still has notes from high school classes tucked away in a box somewhere. I've done purges. I have. I have thrown away things with sentimental value because I finally realized that they were just objects. It was still hard, and I replaced them with a new set of objects to attach feelings to. Not just pain but happiness and joy and regret and love. I use objects like touchstones. On top of my desk is a Buffy glass with Spike on it. It's Season 2 "School Hard" Spike with the deadly cheekbones and the black and red ensemble. It's not just a Spike glass gathering dust on top of my desk, though. It's a day spent in Edinburgh, walking from our hotel room around the city, down the lanes and finding ourselves at a mall. It's passing a man playing a bagpipe and selling his CDs on the street. It's a time machine to a handful of days, and it's right there within reach. It's the same with so many other little things that I keep.

I'm a tactical person who doesn't like to be touched. I don't like the unexpectedness of someone else touching me. I prefer to touch people. I offer hugs or pats on the back or shoulders. I'll play with your hair or give you a back rub. And you are to let me alone. I assign people and places and times and ideas to objects. I name them. I personify them, and I count on them in strange ways.

So even though I am alone most days when I don't work, I am always surrounded by people as long as these things are around me. My little metal sculpture of Stonehenge when the sun was out, and we goofed around taking pictures in front of a ring of stone. It was a day where we watched Bjorn take a picture of her foot with Stonehenge. It was a bus ride going through a town where there were just mannequin heads in a window. It's a music store. It's people.

I know, Buddha Box. You would have me cast off the clutter and the weights and the ties. You would have me meditate on myself as myself rather than myself as I am with certain people because I am everything and everyone. I have a legion of faces and methods and moods. I am who you need or want me to be. I am soft and pliable. I want to please you because you can make me feel needed and wanted and loved. I don't know what shape to take to please myself. It's something I should work on and something that scares me to death all at the same time how I can manage to be all and nothing with almost the same breath.

I have always been so scared of being nothing.
dreamcatchings: (paige: masks)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:






Like the wind
not caught by any net,
in solitude we gain
peace and balance.


I cannot argue with you here, Buddha Box. Not really. I know that the first step in attaining anything successful is to be able to find peace and happiness and love within and for yourself. I know this. It seems to be the simplest and hardest journey of them all, though, to be able to do that. Because whether you want to or not, whether you mean to or not, there are things you hide away from even yourself. There are boxes of memories and rooms of feeling and stacks of regret that you barricade off and quarantine because it's easier to exist that way. Who can face everything that has made them happy or sad or angry over all their years and be healed? Who can face that mountain every day?

Perhaps the point is to face all of that, come to terms with it and then let it go. There's where I hit the catch. I have a very hard time letting anything go. I dwell on things for days, month, years. Sometimes it seems like I dwell on things forever. I never let go. I don't like letting to. Not even when we're talking about letting go of something that stings and bites my hands and heart whenever I try to touch it. It hurts, but it's my hurt. I own it. It can always wound me so deep that I feel like staggering and just falling to my knees with the weight of it.

I'm the sort of person who still has notes from high school classes tucked away in a box somewhere. I've done purges. I have. I have thrown away things with sentimental value because I finally realized that they were just objects. It was still hard, and I replaced them with a new set of objects to attach feelings to. Not just pain but happiness and joy and regret and love. I use objects like touchstones. On top of my desk is a Buffy glass with Spike on it. It's Season 2 "School Hard" Spike with the deadly cheekbones and the black and red ensemble. It's not just a Spike glass gathering dust on top of my desk, though. It's a day spent in Edinburgh, walking from our hotel room around the city, down the lanes and finding ourselves at a mall. It's passing a man playing a bagpipe and selling his CDs on the street. It's a time machine to a handful of days, and it's right there within reach. It's the same with so many other little things that I keep.

I'm a tactical person who doesn't like to be touched. I don't like the unexpectedness of someone else touching me. I prefer to touch people. I offer hugs or pats on the back or shoulders. I'll play with your hair or give you a back rub. And you are to let me alone. I assign people and places and times and ideas to objects. I name them. I personify them, and I count on them in strange ways.

So even though I am alone most days when I don't work, I am always surrounded by people as long as these things are around me. My little metal sculpture of Stonehenge when the sun was out, and we goofed around taking pictures in front of a ring of stone. It was a day where we watched Bjorn take a picture of her foot with Stonehenge. It was a bus ride going through a town where there were just mannequin heads in a window. It's a music store. It's people.

I know, Buddha Box. You would have me cast off the clutter and the weights and the ties. You would have me meditate on myself as myself rather than myself as I am with certain people because I am everything and everyone. I have a legion of faces and methods and moods. I am who you need or want me to be. I am soft and pliable. I want to please you because you can make me feel needed and wanted and loved. I don't know what shape to take to please myself. It's something I should work on and something that scares me to death all at the same time how I can manage to be all and nothing with almost the same breath.

I have always been so scared of being nothing.
dreamcatchings: (keifer: bitch)
Last night Patrick convinced me to meet him at a bar for a couple of drinks after he got off work. It should be noted that Patrick has a shift that results in him getting off work at 1am. The bar we frequent is, like most things, about a half an hour away from me. He had to go home for his wallet, so I left a little later than I normally do to get there in time. Well. Not even 10 minutes down the road, I get pulled over by a cop (first time ever) because I didn't use my signal when I made a right turn onto Grant Line (street names are going to make no difference to most of you). He pulls me over on the side of the on ramp to the interstate (which seems like a dumb place to stop someone to me), and I swear to god that it almost felt like he hit my car. After I had come to a stop, put the car in park and turned it off, it felt like there was bump and a noise from behind me. (I checked the car once I got to my destination, but it was night time so I couldn't see much. I'll try and get myself together enough today to wander out for another look.)

So he comes up and tells me I forgot my signal, which, um, I did. I simply forgot. It was foggy so I was working really hard on making sure I could see through that, and I'm not 100% comfortable with the new car yet. I told him these things when he asked. There's not much you can say about not using the turn signal. I got distracted by the fog and forgot to flip it on. Simple as that.

I have no qualms with that really. I think it's dumb to waste man power on a signal in the middle of the night when there was traffic around me for me to confuse with my lack of signal but whatever. I was in the wrong there.

Now comes the thing that pisses me off:

He asks why I'm out so late. I tell him I'm going to visit a friend (omitting the bar part because, yeah, I'm not dumb). He asks me if I don't think it's a little too late to be visiting. I tell him that my friend gets off work at 1am, and we work late.

He takes my license and the sales documents for my car since I don't have the registration yet because the paperwork hasn't come in and goes off to run my license. He eventually sends me off with a warning AFTER he backs out of the on ramp.

I don't have a problem with authority figures, not in general. I'm not one of those people who goes against the rules simply to go against the rules or sees people in power as fascist dictators. I do have a problem with hypocritical authority figures and those who abuse their power. I can't say that I know much about law enforcement. I don't know if the officer should show you his badge or tell you his name unless you ask. The person who pulled me over did not offer, and I did not ask. That might have been a mistake. I also did not point blank ask him if he hit my car although I wanted to because it sure did feel like he bumped me.

I don't think it was fair or right of him to try and make me feel that I should not be capable of making my own decisions as far as when to visit my friends. I am a grown woman. I pay taxes, my rent, my various debts and bills, etc. I have not been arrested. I do not have a warrant out. To my knowledge, my car was in working order. I had not been drinking or taking drugs of any kind prior to driving. I did not turn on a signal because I concerned about driving in the fog and was clearing my windshield. As far as I am aware, there is no curfew in my area. I don't appreciate the implication that it is too late for me to be driving somewhere if I decided to.

It also seems wildly inappropriate for him to back out of the on ramp.

The almost lecture just bothers me. The implication. The meaning behind the words and the tone. I don't appreciate when anyone takes that tone with me.
dreamcatchings: (Default)
Last night Patrick convinced me to meet him at a bar for a couple of drinks after he got off work. It should be noted that Patrick has a shift that results in him getting off work at 1am. The bar we frequent is, like most things, about a half an hour away from me. He had to go home for his wallet, so I left a little later than I normally do to get there in time. Well. Not even 10 minutes down the road, I get pulled over by a cop (first time ever) because I didn't use my signal when I made a right turn onto Grant Line (street names are going to make no difference to most of you). He pulls me over on the side of the on ramp to the interstate (which seems like a dumb place to stop someone to me), and I swear to god that it almost felt like he hit my car. After I had come to a stop, put the car in park and turned it off, it felt like there was bump and a noise from behind me. (I checked the car once I got to my destination, but it was night time so I couldn't see much. I'll try and get myself together enough today to wander out for another look.)

So he comes up and tells me I forgot my signal, which, um, I did. I simply forgot. It was foggy so I was working really hard on making sure I could see through that, and I'm not 100% comfortable with the new car yet. I told him these things when he asked. There's not much you can say about not using the turn signal. I got distracted by the fog and forgot to flip it on. Simple as that.

I have no qualms with that really. I think it's dumb to waste man power on a signal in the middle of the night when there was traffic around me for me to confuse with my lack of signal but whatever. I was in the wrong there.

Now comes the thing that pisses me off:

He asks why I'm out so late. I tell him I'm going to visit a friend (omitting the bar part because, yeah, I'm not dumb). He asks me if I don't think it's a little too late to be visiting. I tell him that my friend gets off work at 1am, and we work late.

He takes my license and the sales documents for my car since I don't have the registration yet because the paperwork hasn't come in and goes off to run my license. He eventually sends me off with a warning AFTER he backs out of the on ramp.

I don't have a problem with authority figures, not in general. I'm not one of those people who goes against the rules simply to go against the rules or sees people in power as fascist dictators. I do have a problem with hypocritical authority figures and those who abuse their power. I can't say that I know much about law enforcement. I don't know if the officer should show you his badge or tell you his name unless you ask. The person who pulled me over did not offer, and I did not ask. That might have been a mistake. I also did not point blank ask him if he hit my car although I wanted to because it sure did feel like he bumped me.

I don't think it was fair or right of him to try and make me feel that I should not be capable of making my own decisions as far as when to visit my friends. I am a grown woman. I pay taxes, my rent, my various debts and bills, etc. I have not been arrested. I do not have a warrant out. To my knowledge, my car was in working order. I had not been drinking or taking drugs of any kind prior to driving. I did not turn on a signal because I concerned about driving in the fog and was clearing my windshield. As far as I am aware, there is no curfew in my area. I don't appreciate the implication that it is too late for me to be driving somewhere if I decided to.

It also seems wildly inappropriate for him to back out of the on ramp.

The almost lecture just bothers me. The implication. The meaning behind the words and the tone. I don't appreciate when anyone takes that tone with me.
dreamcatchings: (tw: secret smile)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





Remember the saying
"The lights are on but nobody's home"?
When you meditate, sitting there
is like turning the lights on,
but then you also have to come home.



This is, obviously, one of the Meditation cards. I think I'm going to find these the hardest to relate to because I haven't meditated in so long. I'm also not sure that I was ever really meditating correctly. Most of the time when I would meditate, it was less the Buddhist sort and more the Wiccan sort, in that I was focusing on something, rather an idea or goal or just trying to feel more connected to the world around me by merging and exchanging energy. I'm not sure if it's the same sort of goal with the Buddhist meditation. I should probably ask a friend of mine I work with who is really into Eastern philosopy and religion. He would know. He probably has several books about it.

It's not to say that I don't understand your point, Buddhist Box. I do. I can't actually verbalize it well, but I understand. It's a calling to be present in all activities and to use meditation to become more present. I think. Again. These are going to be the hardest cards for me. The only thing I can automatically relate this to is the fact that I've felt like I'm just sleepwalking through certain parts of my life. I go on autopilot. I am not in the moment. I am not invested because, well, I don't want to be. To be honest, the less invested in certain things I am, the less they hurt.

At the same time, though, I feel so distant and detached from things. Mostly from people but also from goals and dreams and, well, success. My definiton of success is not the same as, well, I don't want to say everyone's but a lot of people's. I know a vast number of people who define success as being wealthy; I don't. To me success is being happy and fulfilled in what you're doing. It means that you have struck a balance. You have reached the point where you are happy with yourself. You have not stopped growing or learning, but you have stopped fighting life on every step along the way. You have surrendered to the waves not because they overcame you but because you have reached an agreement. Success, to me, is loving what you do, having friends who support and love you without bringing the drama constantly and still having time for new dreams and good books and concerts and wine. Success is being in the moment and enjoying every second. It is not checking out at work because you're not happy with it. It is not avoiding texts from people because you don't want to be in the middle of their next big disaster. It is not chasing people around and making all the effort to maintain a friendship with them. It is realizing that everything goes both ways. It is letting go of what doesn't work.

Thank you, Buddha Box. That ended up being helpful and hard, which is representative of life. Maybe I should start meditating again.
dreamcatchings: (Default)
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:




Remember the saying
"The lights are on but nobody's home"?
When you meditate, sitting there
is like turning the lights on,
but then you also have to come home.



This is, obviously, one of the Meditation cards. I think I'm going to find these the hardest to relate to because I haven't meditated in so long. I'm also not sure that I was ever really meditating correctly. Most of the time when I would meditate, it was less the Buddhist sort and more the Wiccan sort, in that I was focusing on something, rather an idea or goal or just trying to feel more connected to the world around me by merging and exchanging energy. I'm not sure if it's the same sort of goal with the Buddhist meditation. I should probably ask a friend of mine I work with who is really into Eastern philosopy and religion. He would know. He probably has several books about it.

It's not to say that I don't understand your point, Buddhist Box. I do. I can't actually verbalize it well, but I understand. It's a calling to be present in all activities and to use meditation to become more present. I think. Again. These are going to be the hardest cards for me. The only thing I can automatically relate this to is the fact that I've felt like I'm just sleepwalking through certain parts of my life. I go on autopilot. I am not in the moment. I am not invested because, well, I don't want to be. To be honest, the less invested in certain things I am, the less they hurt.

At the same time, though, I feel so distant and detached from things. Mostly from people but also from goals and dreams and, well, success. My definiton of success is not the same as, well, I don't want to say everyone's but a lot of people's. I know a vast number of people who define success as being wealthy; I don't. To me success is being happy and fulfilled in what you're doing. It means that you have struck a balance. You have reached the point where you are happy with yourself. You have not stopped growing or learning, but you have stopped fighting life on every step along the way. You have surrendered to the waves not because they overcame you but because you have reached an agreement. Success, to me, is loving what you do, having friends who support and love you without bringing the drama constantly and still having time for new dreams and good books and concerts and wine. Success is being in the moment and enjoying every second. It is not checking out at work because you're not happy with it. It is not avoiding texts from people because you don't want to be in the middle of their next big disaster. It is not chasing people around and making all the effort to maintain a friendship with them. It is realizing that everything goes both ways. It is letting go of what doesn't work.

Thank you, Buddha Box. That ended up being helpful and hard, which is representative of life. Maybe I should start meditating again.
dreamcatchings: (river: my words confuse me)
I hate commercials for anti-depressants because they typically read like a snapshot of my life.

Lack of energy? Check
Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy? Check
Feelings of apathy and disinterest? Check
Having to "wind yourself up" throughout the day to perform simple tasks? Check
Not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone? Check
Feelings of sadness? Check

I'm trying to be more proactive, but I don't want to talk about them because that almost always seems to make things backfire on me. I have not yet called any doctors or made any appointments, which is likely due not only to the depression and my total avoidance of doctors but also because of the weather. I hate winter weather. I do not want to drive in ice or snow or any sort of "wintry mix." It's really hard to make myself do anything when it's cold. It's hard to care that I'm not doing anything.

Sometimes I wonder if I feel like other people feel. Most of the time, I don't actually seem to feel anything. I'm not happy or sad or excited or anxious. I'm just there. It doesn't seem like contentment or apathy. It feels like empty, hollow, autopilot. I don't know if that's normal. I don't even know how to broach that sort of topic to ask someone. I could. I have friends I could ask. I have multiple friends I could ask, and I can already gauge in my head how they would react. Not what they would say but what their faces would look like.

One of the things that kills me, one of the things that can make the carefully held together broken pieces fall all over the place is compassion. I don't understand it. It makes no sense. Show me an inch of kindness, give me the sort of hurt and astonished look that tells me how deeply you care, ask me what's wrong, give me the time of day and I fall apart. I can't help it. It's a trigger. I have stopped communicating by and large. I talk, I sass, I quip and jest. I make astute comments. I come up with intellectual ideas. I offer up very little of myself.

Until someone who knows me stops me and looks at me just so. And then my world is open.

It's scary and disarming.

I don't understand. I don't know if it's me that doesn't work right or if everyone feels this way and they're all just better at hiding it than I am.
dreamcatchings: (Default)
I hate commercials for anti-depressants because they typically read like a snapshot of my life.

Lack of energy? Check
Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy? Check
Feelings of apathy and disinterest? Check
Having to "wind yourself up" throughout the day to perform simple tasks? Check
Not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone? Check
Feelings of sadness? Check

I'm trying to be more proactive, but I don't want to talk about them because that almost always seems to make things backfire on me. I have not yet called any doctors or made any appointments, which is likely due not only to the depression and my total avoidance of doctors but also because of the weather. I hate winter weather. I do not want to drive in ice or snow or any sort of "wintry mix." It's really hard to make myself do anything when it's cold. It's hard to care that I'm not doing anything.

Sometimes I wonder if I feel like other people feel. Most of the time, I don't actually seem to feel anything. I'm not happy or sad or excited or anxious. I'm just there. It doesn't seem like contentment or apathy. It feels like empty, hollow, autopilot. I don't know if that's normal. I don't even know how to broach that sort of topic to ask someone. I could. I have friends I could ask. I have multiple friends I could ask, and I can already gauge in my head how they would react. Not what they would say but what their faces would look like.

One of the things that kills me, one of the things that can make the carefully held together broken pieces fall all over the place is compassion. I don't understand it. It makes no sense. Show me an inch of kindness, give me the sort of hurt and astonished look that tells me how deeply you care, ask me what's wrong, give me the time of day and I fall apart. I can't help it. It's a trigger. I have stopped communicating by and large. I talk, I sass, I quip and jest. I make astute comments. I come up with intellectual ideas. I offer up very little of myself.

Until someone who knows me stops me and looks at me just so. And then my world is open.

It's scary and disarming.

I don't understand. I don't know if it's me that doesn't work right or if everyone feels this way and they're all just better at hiding it than I am.
dreamcatchings: (jono: emo)
I am feeling a little blue.

Some friendships seemed to have been stretched to their breaking point, which I always react to as being my own fault whether it is or not. Work stresses me out. I feel unwanted, unappreciated, unheard and disrespected. I feel like nothing, and it hurts. Actually, there are quite a lot of things that make me feel like nothing and that hurts.

So it's New Year's Eve, and I'm alone. It's rot.

I think I'll make tea and watch Torchwood and then spend tomorrow doing things like RPing and maybe writing some fanfic.

And maybe, y'know, trying to figure out some things.
dreamcatchings: (joa: ignorable me)
Okay. So. Yeah.

Things might be in another downward spiral. It's always really hard to say with me, especially in recent years.

I did not get the position that I applied for at work. I have not gotten the feedback yet, and I'm not sure I want it. I know how I react in situations like that. I cry. I don't mean to, and it's not intentional yet it typically happens. My biggest hope at this point is that I can keep from crying until after it's over (whenever it happens to be) and then excuse myself to go weep outside or in the bathroom or something. Worst case scenario is that I cry in front of my supervisor and the manager and end up feeling like even more of an asshole because people seem to view crying females as being manipulative, which is not the case at all. I simply cannot help it.

So that didn't go my way so much.

And it's got my thinking about how abjectly miserable I am. Not just in the job, though that can get me down in numerous ways not the least of which is the fact that I feel like I was encouraged into my current position only to find that it's been a let down and not the springboard that it was somewhat advertised to be. I feel like I was tricked into giving up more opportunities where I was by joining a group that is used rather than appreciated. It's not a great feeling in the least and that sting has only been heightened by the recent slight that none of my fellow members got chosen for the job promotion, either. It feels like there's no use in trying anymore.

Then there's the personal life. I don't mean love life, which doesn't exist through faults of my own. I am a stupid, stupid girl who typically attachs to people that she has no chance in hell with and this situation is no different. It isn't a major point on contention, but it's not the best thing ever, either, because I can be the best friend ever to him and he can be the best friend he is capable of to me and there's always going to be that part of me that stupidly reads more into everything said and done. I hate my brain and heart for that. The little fools go spinning everything into crystal palaces and then I either have to knock them down into dust or let life do it. Neither is pleasant.

It's not even that part of things that has been putting the most stress on me. I feel like a lot of my friends take me for granted. I'm supposed to be there at their beck and call. I'm supposed to do this and that and everything else for them if they ask yet that is not extended to me. I am tired of one way friendships. I have put up with way too many of those over the years. I can't be your rock when I'm crumbling and broken and lost. It just doesn't work.

I don't know.

I thought you guys deserved an update. I hate the whining and the narcissistic dwelling.

I've been thinking of moving. Just leaving. Taking what I can with me and relocating somewhere else and doing something else. I don't know if I could do it. I had a friend, and we were sort of making plans. Things have changed now. I don't know. I want to be able to do it, but I hate the thought of moving somewhere completely new with no support system. I'm not doing too well here when I have a support system. As much of a support system as I allow anyway. I've really closed down. It takes a pretty big dose of alcohol to get some things out of me, and then I have no control over what I'm saying. I lose myself in things. I'm not creating. I'm not writing. I can't seem to find the spirit or the time or the energy. Everything is hard. Everything is a fight. Everything is an emotional struggle, some sort of hurdle to manage and something else to force myself to do. And I know that shouldn't be normal.

I promised a friend to go see someone about it all. I'm trying to keep that promise. It's hard to find the energy to even do that.

I'm the happiest when I'm cooking or baking these days. There's something zen in creaming butter or stirring a roux to the perfect shade.
dreamcatchings: (btvs: sort of family i have)
I am back from St. Louis. It was awesome. More to come at a later date when I'm not so tired. I've uploaded a ton of pictures on Facebook so feel free to hop on over to see those.

If I missed anything important, which is very likely as I've been gone since Thursday, drop me a line and let me know.

Thanks. &hearts
dreamcatchings: (kaylee: shiny)
I might be going to New Orleans with some of my friends for a weekend in May. And by might be going I mean that myself and my friend Patrick have already asked for the necessary days off and are plotting airfare and hotels. Um. This would be one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Not to mention the fact that I'm heading to St. Louis in April for an All-American Rejects concert with De and Ryan.

This is officially me getting sick and tired of not going anywhere and not doing anything and waiting for other people. I have the money, the friends and the means. I'm young, single and have nothing else to use my accumulated time off from work for.

Watch me go.
dreamcatchings: (dorks)
Yesterday I was going to spend my day doing errands, cleaning, cooking, finishing up the taxes and redoing my user icons. Instead, I ended up getting a call from a friend so I went shopping with him. We ended up redoing his bathroom, going out to eat and then ended up at his apartment watching the Superbowl commercials and playing with the Flair application on Facebook. Then we decided we wanted to go see My Bloody Valentine in 3D. It was not the world's best movie by any standard although the end did surprise me a bit. There are flawed logic, as always in horror movies, and a lot of things were done purely for the 3D reaction. The 3D, however, was awesome. I could actually see it with the new glasses, which is something of a feat as my eyes never worked with the old ones so I'd be left just staring at a really fucked up screen going, "Well. Suck." We're already making plans to see Coraline in 3D if it comes out that way here because I refuse to see the Jonas Bros. movie even if it means 3D.

So today I have to try and get everything done that I wanted to do yesterday. Yay! I had been hoping to get some major RP time in, but that doesn't look likely. I guess I'll try and toss up some posts for them and see if anyone trusts me enough to take a scene. I've been pretty non-existant, which is my own fault.

Also! I need new X-Files icons. I'll have to restrain myself from looking for ones from the movie until after everything else is done. The movie and, well, everything else because I've been watching the series all the way through since I finally managed to get all nine seasons. Yay! Mulder and Scully love!
dreamcatchings: (hug)
In preparation for opening my Etsy store, I've been spending a lot of my time this week sitting around with the tv on while I wrap suede lace around various sized metal hoops. My fingers are not happy with me. First step is wrapping. I used to wrap and then make the web and do things one at a time. Since the wrapping is the part that gives me the most trouble (my hands are stupid and tend to freeze up after doing activities that require them being held in one position for a long time such as holding the lace secure while wrapping with the other hand or crochet or cross stitch which might be why I haven't done much with these crafts of mine in recent years. I wonder what sort of vitamin I should be taking to counteract this problem.) I've decided to wrap a bunch of hoops en masse to begin with. This will hopefully result in larger numbers of dreamcatchers ready at once because I won't be putting off the wrapping. The webbing is easy and fun and allows me to pick through lovely beads.

I've also been keeping busy with an actual social life. Between Warhammer and RP and hiking and shopping and plotting bar nights and being promised to go bowling without being asked and going with friends to get tattoos, I've been feeling rather stretched thin and popular. I'm not minding too much. I'm just trying to keep myself balanced. I require a good amount of alone time to center and regroup because it's a big big world out there, and it makes me anxious at the best of times and downright crazy at the worst.

But friends make everything better and prove themselves time and time again that even if they accidentally hurt my feelings they'll do their best to take the sting out of it by proving that I do, in fact, matter. I have a hard time believing that I am of any important a lot of the time.

I need to do more Christmas shopping.
dreamcatchings: (trapped)
Consider this the addendum to today's earlier post.

Wherein I become a tool )
dreamcatchings: (gotta smack a bitch)
I am pissed off.

click to find out more )

That was long, and I'm still mad. I'm open to suggestions. Please.
dreamcatchings: (smeghead)
So I go out to my car after work tonight to find some white powder crap all over the passenger side, the roof and the windshield. I assume it's ash from a firework, clean off the windshield and a bit of the passenger window and go to the gym to meet Patrick and Don. Who promptly go all WTF? over the sight of my car and start trying to figure out what it is. Don believes it's from a fire extinguisher, and Patrick is positive that it was done purposefully. I don't really care. I just don't want the crap on my car.

It's still there. Mostly. I managed to clean some off but fuck going through a car wash in the middle of the night. Alone. Not happening.

Maybe tomorrow.

Gym kicked my ass in the best way possible. And Patrick has to be the best gym partner since [livejournal.com profile] kcauac.

Next up in our plans? A diet.

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dreamcatchings: (Default)
Sara

July 2012

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