dreamcatchings: (joa: ignorable me)
Please see icon for an apt description of how I feel.
dreamcatchings: (dc: insanity is me)
One day I'm going to crack open the wall I've been steadily building around my heart and soul, continually building, brick upon brick so that it's gotten so thick no light falls in but just reflects back into its own space, an echo. One day it's all going to crumble or crash, fast or slow I don't know yet because I am too timid to take the hammer to it. I cannot find my pick ax, and I prefer building to destroying anyway. Still it must go. All this wide wide world is one sharp knife. All this wide wide world is one heart break and one misunderstanding and one misspoken word and one lost look after another. I don't know to how to hear anyone but you, and I have trouble understanding anyone but me when it comes to all this rushing noise. Please stop shouting at me with everything you don't say. Please just lay things out nice and neat, in colored lines like graphs and bar charts. Please make me a list that flows. I need directions from point A to point B. Don't confuse me with point C because I just can't take it anymore.

I feel like a very young girl taking care of the entire world with no one stepping up to take care of me. I can't stop talking about myself, yet I spend all my time thinking of you, of me, of the wall, of the great big wide wide world standing out there shivering, arms outstretched. How can I ever embrace it without losing every single thing that is mine? How can I possibly make the hurting stop, make the sadness lessen, fix the pain, when I can't make myself stop crying some nights? Why isn't anything easy; why is love not love? I can never understand how words from my mouth mean something different than when those same words fly from yours.

I want to be like Eliot's hollow men, but I am full to bursting with words and tears and worries and love. Love for everything and anyone I can touch and find and fix. Love for anyone I can care for and then turn away from. I will build my walls and fix your heart, carefully, with duct tape and glitter glue. I can sing songs to you when no one is looking. Just don't let them into the doors of my walled fortress, my bramble covered castle. One day you'll find yourself shut out, and I will be mourning your leaving when I built this wall between us, brick by brick, piece by piece. Then I will talk of myself, think of you and blame us both.
dreamcatchings: (Default)
One day I'm going to crack open the wall I've been steadily building around my heart and soul, continually building, brick upon brick so that it's gotten so thick no light falls in but just reflects back into its own space, an echo. One day it's all going to crumble or crash, fast or slow I don't know yet because I am too timid to take the hammer to it. I cannot find my pick ax, and I prefer building to destroying anyway. Still it must go. All this wide wide world is one sharp knife. All this wide wide world is one heart break and one misunderstanding and one misspoken word and one lost look after another. I don't know to how to hear anyone but you, and I have trouble understanding anyone but me when it comes to all this rushing noise. Please stop shouting at me with everything you don't say. Please just lay things out nice and neat, in colored lines like graphs and bar charts. Please make me a list that flows. I need directions from point A to point B. Don't confuse me with point C because I just can't take it anymore.

I feel like a very young girl taking care of the entire world with no one stepping up to take care of me. I can't stop talking about myself, yet I spend all my time thinking of you, of me, of the wall, of the great big wide wide world standing out there shivering, arms outstretched. How can I ever embrace it without losing every single thing that is mine? How can I possibly make the hurting stop, make the sadness lessen, fix the pain, when I can't make myself stop crying some nights? Why isn't anything easy; why is love not love? I can never understand how words from my mouth mean something different than when those same words fly from yours.

I want to be like Eliot's hollow men, but I am full to bursting with words and tears and worries and love. Love for everything and anyone I can touch and find and fix. Love for anyone I can care for and then turn away from. I will build my walls and fix your heart, carefully, with duct tape and glitter glue. I can sing songs to you when no one is looking. Just don't let them into the doors of my walled fortress, my bramble covered castle. One day you'll find yourself shut out, and I will be mourning your leaving when I built this wall between us, brick by brick, piece by piece. Then I will talk of myself, think of you and blame us both.
dreamcatchings: (comfort)
"Oh my grace, I've got no hiding place."

I really never set out to hurt anyone but myself. I always fail.
dreamcatchings: (sad)
Yeah, um, don't want to talk about it.

Leak is worse. Way worse. With the ceiling gone, there's nothing to soak up the water other than the walls, the carpet and the towels I put down. It's starting to spread into other areas of the hallway, dryer closet that it wasn't in before. Not to mention the fact that it's starting to get actually hot outside, and I'm afraid to turn on my air because there's water standing in the same area as the unit itself.

I found the number of the city attorney.

I'll call tomorrow.

I have a horrible headache. I feel like crap.

I somehow manage to take things that were going all right and totally fuck them up. Sorry.
dreamcatchings: (issues)
Occasionally I am just so fucking stupid.

Seriously.
dreamcatchings: (no one else)
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet
dreamcatchings: (why)
*curls up in a ball*

I'm going to stay here for a while.
dreamcatchings: (disappointment)
Drama, drama everywhere and not a drop to drink. I don't want in the middle of it. I'll talk to you about it, but this is a proclamation. I am not taking sides.

I dreamed this you know.

Sometimes I hate my prophetic dreams.

Though at least nobody died this time.

ETA: Not directed at anyone in particular. Just a general proclamation so you know. Neutral party here.
dreamcatchings: (trapped)
...

Move along.

Nothing to see.

This space for rent.
dreamcatchings: (trapped)
*hangs head and crawls under the desk*

Tell me when it's all over, and I'll come back out. Until then just throw something at my head when you need me.
dreamcatchings: (let it go)
My brain kinda snapped last night. Over-stimulation, too much stress and other random things like that. No, I don't want to talk about. I've talked it to death in one form or another. I've gone round and round the happily colored merry-go-round with it, and it's done. It's done. It may take me a couple of days to actually accept that it's over, and that things might turn out alright all round, but it is done.

Which is good because for the past three days I have not been able to sleep well. And I am so tired. And my back keeps clenching up.

Anyway, I'm off to make some coffee and find something for breakfast.

rp list: )

Short today. Let me know if I forgot something.

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dreamcatchings: (Default)
Sara

July 2012

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