(no subject)

[dreamcatchings]

I've been having one of those "Why am I not good enough days?" where any little thing that's said whether it be praise or complaint hurts. Kindness almost upsets me more than cruelty. Kindness always makes me wary of what I'm going to do wrong, of how much I am going to disappoint when I prove how utterly worthless and meaningless and flawed and broken I am. I'm sure no one means kindness to be taken in such a way. I am sure. But it hurts and tears away inside me anyway.

My throat has been tight all day. The tears have been right there all day.

Then I watched "Vincent and the Doctor" and just started crying. It's crazy, but I've always felt a weird sort of kinship with Vincent van Gogh. His paintings have always meant a lot to me and moved me and spoke to me. I think I hope that we would be able to understand each other a little bit. I so want to be extraordinary like him. I know what it is to be lost.

And now I'm just crying. My chest feels caved in and hollow as though someone took an ice cream scoop to it.

I want to be so much more than I am. I want to be something.

I'm sorry.

I'm always failing.