Lie to Me. Say it Will Be Okay.
May. 7th, 2010 03:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamcatchingsI am emotionally wrecked right now. Just tossed about on a bloody sea of confusion and indecision and hurt. Which really just makes me want to hide and cut my hair, dye it, do something. I act out. Things get too heavy, and I act out by finding something physical I can change. A number of my hair decisions have been caused by something big and emotional in my life that I simply couldn't figure out how to deal with so I changed myself, thinking that somehow, someway I could make myself better by changing something physical. Or perhaps I simply wanted the distraction.
The older I get, the more I recognize that I don't process things the way I ought to. I'm not even sure if that's true. It just seems true. I know other people have a hard time with things. I know that out there, walking around, probably everyone is hurting and feeling empty and worthless in some fashion. Surely everyone feels out of place and unseen and unknown and lost.
What do they do with it all? What does anyone do with all of this hurt?
My family is quiet quiet. I think I've said that before. No one talked about what was wrong. I never learned how to open my mouth and speak about those sorts of things without being almost petrified. Honestly. There are times I go to speak, and I can't. My throat closes up, and my mind rebels. The words stick. I can't look at people when I talk about important things. I tend to laugh or smile when things aren't funny at all. My best friend who lives here knows I typically can't tell him what's wrong unless I've had a drink and even then the conversation will be halting and forced and I'll spend the entire time looking at anything other than him. My supervisor has seen me break down into tears simply because he's asked me what's wrong.
I'm still scared. I am still so scared of this great, big world and everything it wants to take from me. I am still scared of all its people and their intentions, which I can never seem to suss out. And I hold it all inside until it almost breaks me down.
I can't seem to get myself to call the doctor. I've been considering buying herbal supplements for mental health. I know I saw one for emotional balance. I hate the idea of drugs. I hate the idea of doctors. I hate the idea of bearing my torn up, broken down soul to strangers even if they're there to help me. I don't like walking around in the world worried that everyone is judging me and deciding that I'm nothing.
I've back fallen so much since college. I don't understand.
The older I get, the more I recognize that I don't process things the way I ought to. I'm not even sure if that's true. It just seems true. I know other people have a hard time with things. I know that out there, walking around, probably everyone is hurting and feeling empty and worthless in some fashion. Surely everyone feels out of place and unseen and unknown and lost.
What do they do with it all? What does anyone do with all of this hurt?
My family is quiet quiet. I think I've said that before. No one talked about what was wrong. I never learned how to open my mouth and speak about those sorts of things without being almost petrified. Honestly. There are times I go to speak, and I can't. My throat closes up, and my mind rebels. The words stick. I can't look at people when I talk about important things. I tend to laugh or smile when things aren't funny at all. My best friend who lives here knows I typically can't tell him what's wrong unless I've had a drink and even then the conversation will be halting and forced and I'll spend the entire time looking at anything other than him. My supervisor has seen me break down into tears simply because he's asked me what's wrong.
I'm still scared. I am still so scared of this great, big world and everything it wants to take from me. I am still scared of all its people and their intentions, which I can never seem to suss out. And I hold it all inside until it almost breaks me down.
I can't seem to get myself to call the doctor. I've been considering buying herbal supplements for mental health. I know I saw one for emotional balance. I hate the idea of drugs. I hate the idea of doctors. I hate the idea of bearing my torn up, broken down soul to strangers even if they're there to help me. I don't like walking around in the world worried that everyone is judging me and deciding that I'm nothing.
I've back fallen so much since college. I don't understand.
