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Aug. 1st, 2006 12:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamcatchingsI hate nightmares. Hate them. I used to get them all the time. I used to have such trouble sleeping when I was little. I needed a light on and music and still I'd jerk myself awake, keep myself awake as long as possible. I had recurring nightmares as a child. The same two or three. They weren't scary scary. Not like. Well, I'd watch horror movies. A lot. They weren't like that.
One was falling. For some reason I had been very high up. Very high. And I fell. And I was absolutely convinced in my waking mind that if I hit bottom, I would die. Not just in my dream but in real life. So the falling always woke me up.
The other one was at a zoo. I follow my parents around, we're looking at the animals, bears. I pause to look at something and my parents just keep walking. By the time I hurry after them, I can't find them. And the bears are everywhere. There are bears instead of people. I'm the only person left. And I'm convinced they're going to eat me. Needless to say, I never liked teddy bears as a child.
Those were the big ones. Those were the ones I got at least twice a week. Everything else was mostly just passing shit. A couple of nightmares I've had two of three times. I know because they frighten me so much, I remember them, and you're talking to someone who pretty much can't remember her dreams anymore.
Usually, the nightmares seem to be my body or my mind telling me something. I sleep pretty heavy so if my body needs something it conspires with my mind to wake me the fuck up. Need to go to the bathroom, nightmare. Need a drink of water, nightmare. Despite the fact that the nightmares set me so much on the fucking edge that I never want to get out of bed after one because who knows what the fuck is in the dark. Waiting.
But even as nightmares go, tonight's was weird. Black. Black. Utter blackness but not all the time. Light. Warm light like a cigarette lighter in the dark. But even for that, it was so dark that when the light was on, that was it, that was the only sense. It wasn't bright enough to see anything by. It was just bright enough to see. (Sight's a big thing. I'm almost blind. The only thing I can see on the eye chart without my glasses is the big fucking E.) And there's noise. But the light isn't bright enough to see what's making the noise. And there was light right by me and noise right by me and some kind of touching. And I didn't know what the fuck it was. So I screamed. In my dream. I can never scream for real. Never. I've tried. After waking up, scared out of my wits, I can never make a sound. Sometimes I can weep. But usually I just sit there, still, trying to see what's out there, not making a sound, jerking myself awake every few seconds because if I don't stay up long enough to end the dream, it's right back the next time I close my eyes.
It was suffocating. It was like drowning in darkness. God, what the fuck was the light? What was the sound? And why was it touching? And I knew, I fucking knew, that whatever it was needed to go away. Wasn't the right light. Wasn't the light I wanted.
Makes me wonder if I should start calling people to make sure everyone's okay.
One was falling. For some reason I had been very high up. Very high. And I fell. And I was absolutely convinced in my waking mind that if I hit bottom, I would die. Not just in my dream but in real life. So the falling always woke me up.
The other one was at a zoo. I follow my parents around, we're looking at the animals, bears. I pause to look at something and my parents just keep walking. By the time I hurry after them, I can't find them. And the bears are everywhere. There are bears instead of people. I'm the only person left. And I'm convinced they're going to eat me. Needless to say, I never liked teddy bears as a child.
Those were the big ones. Those were the ones I got at least twice a week. Everything else was mostly just passing shit. A couple of nightmares I've had two of three times. I know because they frighten me so much, I remember them, and you're talking to someone who pretty much can't remember her dreams anymore.
Usually, the nightmares seem to be my body or my mind telling me something. I sleep pretty heavy so if my body needs something it conspires with my mind to wake me the fuck up. Need to go to the bathroom, nightmare. Need a drink of water, nightmare. Despite the fact that the nightmares set me so much on the fucking edge that I never want to get out of bed after one because who knows what the fuck is in the dark. Waiting.
But even as nightmares go, tonight's was weird. Black. Black. Utter blackness but not all the time. Light. Warm light like a cigarette lighter in the dark. But even for that, it was so dark that when the light was on, that was it, that was the only sense. It wasn't bright enough to see anything by. It was just bright enough to see. (Sight's a big thing. I'm almost blind. The only thing I can see on the eye chart without my glasses is the big fucking E.) And there's noise. But the light isn't bright enough to see what's making the noise. And there was light right by me and noise right by me and some kind of touching. And I didn't know what the fuck it was. So I screamed. In my dream. I can never scream for real. Never. I've tried. After waking up, scared out of my wits, I can never make a sound. Sometimes I can weep. But usually I just sit there, still, trying to see what's out there, not making a sound, jerking myself awake every few seconds because if I don't stay up long enough to end the dream, it's right back the next time I close my eyes.
It was suffocating. It was like drowning in darkness. God, what the fuck was the light? What was the sound? And why was it touching? And I knew, I fucking knew, that whatever it was needed to go away. Wasn't the right light. Wasn't the light I wanted.
Makes me wonder if I should start calling people to make sure everyone's okay.
