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RP List Again
Feb. 21st, 2006 08:10 amRP List because I enjoy making lists where I can actually cross things off. Again, poke me if I forgot something.
( list: )
( list: )
Feb. 21st, 2006
(no subject)
Feb. 21st, 2006 07:58 pmYou can't ask my questions about my decisions. You can't make me raise doubt about something in my own mind because then I can't stop thinking about it. About the what ifs and the maybes and the might happens. Which all fucking keep me trapped in my own fucking mind as much as in the same situation that I'm in now.
I get lost in my head, and I can't get back out. It's really fucking frightening to be screaming in your head and not able to make your body react. And no one hears you.
Eventually, I get back.
God! Fuck! Damn it!
I know you're trying to fucking help, but it doesn't. Because you ask me things like, "Well, what about school? Will getting an apartment now keep put off your going to grad school? What's your plan? Do you think you should look into getting an apartment near where you want to go to school?"
And my head screams and writhes and goes into information overload.
Because I just want fucking out.
But I can't get out if I can't convince myself the first step is worth taking. And I can't convince myself the first step is worth taking when I have all this information to process, and it's just too much.
And I start shaking and crying and getting lost in my head again.
Because they're valid points. They're valid fucking points. But in trying to get me to get to that point, you're really just setting fire to the bridge that got me to the point of wanting to move out. Because now I'm fucking petrified that I'll do that and never get anyway when, hell, I'm not getting anywhere anyway.
And I'm so goddamn miserable. I am. I feel like my soul is caving in. Hell, I leave almost every weekend. I spent my nights and day doing RP so I don't think about how utterly isolated and alone and lonely I am.
If I stay, things are bound to get worse again.
I get lost in my head, and I can't get back out. It's really fucking frightening to be screaming in your head and not able to make your body react. And no one hears you.
Eventually, I get back.
God! Fuck! Damn it!
I know you're trying to fucking help, but it doesn't. Because you ask me things like, "Well, what about school? Will getting an apartment now keep put off your going to grad school? What's your plan? Do you think you should look into getting an apartment near where you want to go to school?"
And my head screams and writhes and goes into information overload.
Because I just want fucking out.
But I can't get out if I can't convince myself the first step is worth taking. And I can't convince myself the first step is worth taking when I have all this information to process, and it's just too much.
And I start shaking and crying and getting lost in my head again.
Because they're valid points. They're valid fucking points. But in trying to get me to get to that point, you're really just setting fire to the bridge that got me to the point of wanting to move out. Because now I'm fucking petrified that I'll do that and never get anyway when, hell, I'm not getting anywhere anyway.
And I'm so goddamn miserable. I am. I feel like my soul is caving in. Hell, I leave almost every weekend. I spent my nights and day doing RP so I don't think about how utterly isolated and alone and lonely I am.
If I stay, things are bound to get worse again.
(no subject)
Feb. 21st, 2006 08:46 pmMy period's due to start in a couple days.
It's making me crazy.
Don't pay a damn bit of attention to me for awhile.
It's making me crazy.
Don't pay a damn bit of attention to me for awhile.
