![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Nov. 14th, 2008 12:40 amI feel replaceable and unwanted and unneeded and useless and worthless.
It really sucks because earlier today I was in a really good mood. There were even people at work who joined in on the TWLOHA day with me, which meant a lot because, well, it's like one great big hug and someone saying that it's okay. The expression isn't okay; the way to deal with the pain isn't okay. But the pain is. It's a community thing. It's a support thing, and I was blown away. When one of my best friends at work immediately asked for my sharpie after seeing me I was so moved that I almost cried.
Which brings me to that. I've been crying more lately. I can't keep my emotional walls up forever. I repress and repress and repress. I push feelings away until they all rise up and overwhelm me and make me a stupid blathering idiot.
I feel very disconnected from people. I feel like the proverbial third wheel that no one wants. I miss my friends like something inside of me is tearing apart. I miss college when all I had to do was walk down the hall and I could be curled up on someone's bed. I miss eating meals with people. I miss walking. I miss class and homework and going the fuck out to do something with people.
I miss feeling like people wanted me around.
I miss, I miss, I miss.
And it was a good day until it was a bad one.
Some times I just can't see the light; I just can't feel the love.
It really sucks because earlier today I was in a really good mood. There were even people at work who joined in on the TWLOHA day with me, which meant a lot because, well, it's like one great big hug and someone saying that it's okay. The expression isn't okay; the way to deal with the pain isn't okay. But the pain is. It's a community thing. It's a support thing, and I was blown away. When one of my best friends at work immediately asked for my sharpie after seeing me I was so moved that I almost cried.
Which brings me to that. I've been crying more lately. I can't keep my emotional walls up forever. I repress and repress and repress. I push feelings away until they all rise up and overwhelm me and make me a stupid blathering idiot.
I feel very disconnected from people. I feel like the proverbial third wheel that no one wants. I miss my friends like something inside of me is tearing apart. I miss college when all I had to do was walk down the hall and I could be curled up on someone's bed. I miss eating meals with people. I miss walking. I miss class and homework and going the fuck out to do something with people.
I miss feeling like people wanted me around.
I miss, I miss, I miss.
And it was a good day until it was a bad one.
Some times I just can't see the light; I just can't feel the love.
