More Meanderings

I hate commercials for anti-depressants because they typically read like a snapshot of my life.

Lack of energy? Check
Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy? Check
Feelings of apathy and disinterest? Check
Having to "wind yourself up" throughout the day to perform simple tasks? Check
Not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone? Check
Feelings of sadness? Check

I'm trying to be more proactive, but I don't want to talk about them because that almost always seems to make things backfire on me. I have not yet called any doctors or made any appointments, which is likely due not only to the depression and my total avoidance of doctors but also because of the weather. I hate winter weather. I do not want to drive in ice or snow or any sort of "wintry mix." It's really hard to make myself do anything when it's cold. It's hard to care that I'm not doing anything.

Sometimes I wonder if I feel like other people feel. Most of the time, I don't actually seem to feel anything. I'm not happy or sad or excited or anxious. I'm just there. It doesn't seem like contentment or apathy. It feels like empty, hollow, autopilot. I don't know if that's normal. I don't even know how to broach that sort of topic to ask someone. I could. I have friends I could ask. I have multiple friends I could ask, and I can already gauge in my head how they would react. Not what they would say but what their faces would look like.

One of the things that kills me, one of the things that can make the carefully held together broken pieces fall all over the place is compassion. I don't understand it. It makes no sense. Show me an inch of kindness, give me the sort of hurt and astonished look that tells me how deeply you care, ask me what's wrong, give me the time of day and I fall apart. I can't help it. It's a trigger. I have stopped communicating by and large. I talk, I sass, I quip and jest. I make astute comments. I come up with intellectual ideas. I offer up very little of myself.

Until someone who knows me stops me and looks at me just so. And then my world is open.

It's scary and disarming.

I don't understand. I don't know if it's me that doesn't work right or if everyone feels this way and they're all just better at hiding it than I am.

More Meanderings

I hate commercials for anti-depressants because they typically read like a snapshot of my life.

Lack of energy? Check
Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy? Check
Feelings of apathy and disinterest? Check
Having to "wind yourself up" throughout the day to perform simple tasks? Check
Not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone? Check
Feelings of sadness? Check

I'm trying to be more proactive, but I don't want to talk about them because that almost always seems to make things backfire on me. I have not yet called any doctors or made any appointments, which is likely due not only to the depression and my total avoidance of doctors but also because of the weather. I hate winter weather. I do not want to drive in ice or snow or any sort of "wintry mix." It's really hard to make myself do anything when it's cold. It's hard to care that I'm not doing anything.

Sometimes I wonder if I feel like other people feel. Most of the time, I don't actually seem to feel anything. I'm not happy or sad or excited or anxious. I'm just there. It doesn't seem like contentment or apathy. It feels like empty, hollow, autopilot. I don't know if that's normal. I don't even know how to broach that sort of topic to ask someone. I could. I have friends I could ask. I have multiple friends I could ask, and I can already gauge in my head how they would react. Not what they would say but what their faces would look like.

One of the things that kills me, one of the things that can make the carefully held together broken pieces fall all over the place is compassion. I don't understand it. It makes no sense. Show me an inch of kindness, give me the sort of hurt and astonished look that tells me how deeply you care, ask me what's wrong, give me the time of day and I fall apart. I can't help it. It's a trigger. I have stopped communicating by and large. I talk, I sass, I quip and jest. I make astute comments. I come up with intellectual ideas. I offer up very little of myself.

Until someone who knows me stops me and looks at me just so. And then my world is open.

It's scary and disarming.

I don't understand. I don't know if it's me that doesn't work right or if everyone feels this way and they're all just better at hiding it than I am.

Buddhist Words of the Week

From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





Remember the saying
"The lights are on but nobody's home"?
When you meditate, sitting there
is like turning the lights on,
but then you also have to come home.


This is, obviously, one of the Meditation cards. I think I'm going to find these the hardest to relate to because I haven't meditated in so long. I'm also not sure that I was ever really meditating correctly. Most of the time when I would meditate, it was less the Buddhist sort and more the Wiccan sort, in that I was focusing on something, rather an idea or goal or just trying to feel more connected to the world around me by merging and exchanging energy. I'm not sure if it's the same sort of goal with the Buddhist meditation. I should probably ask a friend of mine I work with who is really into Eastern philosopy and religion. He would know. He probably has several books about it.

It's not to say that I don't understand your point, Buddhist Box. I do. I can't actually verbalize it well, but I understand. It's a calling to be present in all activities and to use meditation to become more present. I think. Again. These are going to be the hardest cards for me. The only thing I can automatically relate this to is the fact that I've felt like I'm just sleepwalking through certain parts of my life. I go on autopilot. I am not in the moment. I am not invested because, well, I don't want to be. To be honest, the less invested in certain things I am, the less they hurt.

At the same time, though, I feel so distant and detached from things. Mostly from people but also from goals and dreams and, well, success. My definiton of success is not the same as, well, I don't want to say everyone's but a lot of people's. I know a vast number of people who define success as being wealthy; I don't. To me success is being happy and fulfilled in what you're doing. It means that you have struck a balance. You have reached the point where you are happy with yourself. You have not stopped growing or learning, but you have stopped fighting life on every step along the way. You have surrendered to the waves not because they overcame you but because you have reached an agreement. Success, to me, is loving what you do, having friends who support and love you without bringing the drama constantly and still having time for new dreams and good books and concerts and wine. Success is being in the moment and enjoying every second. It is not checking out at work because you're not happy with it. It is not avoiding texts from people because you don't want to be in the middle of their next big disaster. It is not chasing people around and making all the effort to maintain a friendship with them. It is realizing that everything goes both ways. It is letting go of what doesn't work.

Thank you, Buddha Box. That ended up being helpful and hard, which is representative of life. Maybe I should start meditating again.

Buddhist Words of the Week

From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:




Remember the saying
"The lights are on but nobody's home"?
When you meditate, sitting there
is like turning the lights on,
but then you also have to come home.


This is, obviously, one of the Meditation cards. I think I'm going to find these the hardest to relate to because I haven't meditated in so long. I'm also not sure that I was ever really meditating correctly. Most of the time when I would meditate, it was less the Buddhist sort and more the Wiccan sort, in that I was focusing on something, rather an idea or goal or just trying to feel more connected to the world around me by merging and exchanging energy. I'm not sure if it's the same sort of goal with the Buddhist meditation. I should probably ask a friend of mine I work with who is really into Eastern philosopy and religion. He would know. He probably has several books about it.

It's not to say that I don't understand your point, Buddhist Box. I do. I can't actually verbalize it well, but I understand. It's a calling to be present in all activities and to use meditation to become more present. I think. Again. These are going to be the hardest cards for me. The only thing I can automatically relate this to is the fact that I've felt like I'm just sleepwalking through certain parts of my life. I go on autopilot. I am not in the moment. I am not invested because, well, I don't want to be. To be honest, the less invested in certain things I am, the less they hurt.

At the same time, though, I feel so distant and detached from things. Mostly from people but also from goals and dreams and, well, success. My definiton of success is not the same as, well, I don't want to say everyone's but a lot of people's. I know a vast number of people who define success as being wealthy; I don't. To me success is being happy and fulfilled in what you're doing. It means that you have struck a balance. You have reached the point where you are happy with yourself. You have not stopped growing or learning, but you have stopped fighting life on every step along the way. You have surrendered to the waves not because they overcame you but because you have reached an agreement. Success, to me, is loving what you do, having friends who support and love you without bringing the drama constantly and still having time for new dreams and good books and concerts and wine. Success is being in the moment and enjoying every second. It is not checking out at work because you're not happy with it. It is not avoiding texts from people because you don't want to be in the middle of their next big disaster. It is not chasing people around and making all the effort to maintain a friendship with them. It is realizing that everything goes both ways. It is letting go of what doesn't work.

Thank you, Buddha Box. That ended up being helpful and hard, which is representative of life. Maybe I should start meditating again.