Sara

Okay. So. Yeah.

Things might be in another downward spiral. It's always really hard to say with me, especially in recent years.

I did not get the position that I applied for at work. I have not gotten the feedback yet, and I'm not sure I want it. I know how I react in situations like that. I cry. I don't mean to, and it's not intentional yet it typically happens. My biggest hope at this point is that I can keep from crying until after it's over (whenever it happens to be) and then excuse myself to go weep outside or in the bathroom or something. Worst case scenario is that I cry in front of my supervisor and the manager and end up feeling like even more of an asshole because people seem to view crying females as being manipulative, which is not the case at all. I simply cannot help it.

So that didn't go my way so much.

And it's got my thinking about how abjectly miserable I am. Not just in the job, though that can get me down in numerous ways not the least of which is the fact that I feel like I was encouraged into my current position only to find that it's been a let down and not the springboard that it was somewhat advertised to be. I feel like I was tricked into giving up more opportunities where I was by joining a group that is used rather than appreciated. It's not a great feeling in the least and that sting has only been heightened by the recent slight that none of my fellow members got chosen for the job promotion, either. It feels like there's no use in trying anymore.

Then there's the personal life. I don't mean love life, which doesn't exist through faults of my own. I am a stupid, stupid girl who typically attachs to people that she has no chance in hell with and this situation is no different. It isn't a major point on contention, but it's not the best thing ever, either, because I can be the best friend ever to him and he can be the best friend he is capable of to me and there's always going to be that part of me that stupidly reads more into everything said and done. I hate my brain and heart for that. The little fools go spinning everything into crystal palaces and then I either have to knock them down into dust or let life do it. Neither is pleasant.

It's not even that part of things that has been putting the most stress on me. I feel like a lot of my friends take me for granted. I'm supposed to be there at their beck and call. I'm supposed to do this and that and everything else for them if they ask yet that is not extended to me. I am tired of one way friendships. I have put up with way too many of those over the years. I can't be your rock when I'm crumbling and broken and lost. It just doesn't work.

I don't know.

I thought you guys deserved an update. I hate the whining and the narcissistic dwelling.

I've been thinking of moving. Just leaving. Taking what I can with me and relocating somewhere else and doing something else. I don't know if I could do it. I had a friend, and we were sort of making plans. Things have changed now. I don't know. I want to be able to do it, but I hate the thought of moving somewhere completely new with no support system. I'm not doing too well here when I have a support system. As much of a support system as I allow anyway. I've really closed down. It takes a pretty big dose of alcohol to get some things out of me, and then I have no control over what I'm saying. I lose myself in things. I'm not creating. I'm not writing. I can't seem to find the spirit or the time or the energy. Everything is hard. Everything is a fight. Everything is an emotional struggle, some sort of hurdle to manage and something else to force myself to do. And I know that shouldn't be normal.

I promised a friend to go see someone about it all. I'm trying to keep that promise. It's hard to find the energy to even do that.

I'm the happiest when I'm cooking or baking these days. There's something zen in creaming butter or stirring a roux to the perfect shade.

Doctor's appointment plans set back due to the fact that the physician I arbitairly picked when signing up for my health insurance is not accepting new patients, thus forcing me to switch my PCP, wait for the change to be official (a month) and then wait for my new insurance cards. So I cannot go to the doctor or consider therapy until said events have taken place. *sigh* That ball has been delayed but is rolling.

In other news, well, I maybe, possibly made a huge mistake about something. Not sure yet. I'm also not giving out any details because there are many here who might scold me for it. I'm just going to wait and see what happens and then either make a happy post with all the details or make a completely broken, dejected post with all the details. You're just going to have to wait and be anxious with me.