Buddhist Words of the Week
Feb. 27th, 2010 09:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamcatchingsFrom my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:
There are two things in
this world which no fool
should argue with:
that good actions bring
happiness and bad
actions bring misery.
I'm not sure I'm in the state of mind to deal with this right now, Buddha Box. I understand what you're saying. I get the point of it. It's all about karma. That whole you reap what you sow deal. It's not that I don't believe that, but I can't take it to the extreme. I cannot believe that I have deserved everything bad that has happened to me. Surely there are things that are tests or things that are just unlucky. Surely everything is not my fault. I've lived feeling like everything is all my fault for so long that it threatens to drown me sometimes.
Besides that, I think that I have done good actions. I feel that I try to be a good person and put other people first and offer myself up for support. I try, Buddha Box. It just gets so hard to do nothing but give of myself and feel that I'm not getting enough back to survive on. I have to keep parts of me for me. I need the energy and the soul and the strength. I don't know how to give everything away. I don't know how to release possessions or extremes. Well, I try very hard not to reach extremes. It's easy not to hate. I may say the words, but I don't actually mean them. Most of the time, it's actions that I dislike more than the people who make them.
I tend to hate situations that I'm put in and situations that disappoint me but not the people that disappoint me. I can't sit here and say that I really, truly hate anyone. I can, however, sit here and say that I really, truly love some people. Down to my bleeding, aching, needy heart I love them. They make up the framework of my life. I might not say it or show it the way I'm supposed to, the way that most people do, but I do love fiercely.
Maybe it's that my love isn't open, my trust isn't open. These doors are hard to gain access to. It's an elitist club. There are trials and tests and rings of fire to pass through. You have to be able to deal with me for one. You not only have to listen to my words but know how to listen to the spaces between my words. I deal in secrets and puzzles. Maybe those are my bad actions. Perhaps I should be more open and accepting like the river. Perhaps I should allow myself to flow over people like water, slowly grooving my impression into them with time, touching all, caring for all. I just worry about losing myself if I let so many people in. If I give and love everyone but don't feel anything coming back, how can I survive? Won't that wash what little is left of me away, out of my tightly clenched hands and high built stone walls?
I know what you mean, Buddha Box. I understand the balance. I understand. I just don't know if I can apply it. I don't know that I can fully believe it. How much else do I have to do to see the good actions? What more do I need to lose before I am repaid? When are my books balanced?
What did I do in a past life to so displease the universe, Buddha Box? If you can answer that for me, I might believe your words a little more. I just can't wrap my head around how I'm such a bad person that I deserve all the shitty things that have happened to me. I don't believe that I deserve to be this miserable. I'm sorry. That doesn't seem fair or balanced.
I shall continue to do good or, at least, what I believe is good. I can continue to wait. I am like the river that way: I am patient.
this world which no fool
should argue with:
that good actions bring
happiness and bad
actions bring misery.
I'm not sure I'm in the state of mind to deal with this right now, Buddha Box. I understand what you're saying. I get the point of it. It's all about karma. That whole you reap what you sow deal. It's not that I don't believe that, but I can't take it to the extreme. I cannot believe that I have deserved everything bad that has happened to me. Surely there are things that are tests or things that are just unlucky. Surely everything is not my fault. I've lived feeling like everything is all my fault for so long that it threatens to drown me sometimes.
Besides that, I think that I have done good actions. I feel that I try to be a good person and put other people first and offer myself up for support. I try, Buddha Box. It just gets so hard to do nothing but give of myself and feel that I'm not getting enough back to survive on. I have to keep parts of me for me. I need the energy and the soul and the strength. I don't know how to give everything away. I don't know how to release possessions or extremes. Well, I try very hard not to reach extremes. It's easy not to hate. I may say the words, but I don't actually mean them. Most of the time, it's actions that I dislike more than the people who make them.
I tend to hate situations that I'm put in and situations that disappoint me but not the people that disappoint me. I can't sit here and say that I really, truly hate anyone. I can, however, sit here and say that I really, truly love some people. Down to my bleeding, aching, needy heart I love them. They make up the framework of my life. I might not say it or show it the way I'm supposed to, the way that most people do, but I do love fiercely.
Maybe it's that my love isn't open, my trust isn't open. These doors are hard to gain access to. It's an elitist club. There are trials and tests and rings of fire to pass through. You have to be able to deal with me for one. You not only have to listen to my words but know how to listen to the spaces between my words. I deal in secrets and puzzles. Maybe those are my bad actions. Perhaps I should be more open and accepting like the river. Perhaps I should allow myself to flow over people like water, slowly grooving my impression into them with time, touching all, caring for all. I just worry about losing myself if I let so many people in. If I give and love everyone but don't feel anything coming back, how can I survive? Won't that wash what little is left of me away, out of my tightly clenched hands and high built stone walls?
I know what you mean, Buddha Box. I understand the balance. I understand. I just don't know if I can apply it. I don't know that I can fully believe it. How much else do I have to do to see the good actions? What more do I need to lose before I am repaid? When are my books balanced?
What did I do in a past life to so displease the universe, Buddha Box? If you can answer that for me, I might believe your words a little more. I just can't wrap my head around how I'm such a bad person that I deserve all the shitty things that have happened to me. I don't believe that I deserve to be this miserable. I'm sorry. That doesn't seem fair or balanced.
I shall continue to do good or, at least, what I believe is good. I can continue to wait. I am like the river that way: I am patient.
