dreamcatchings: (illy: rise)
[personal profile] dreamcatchings
From my Buddhist Wisdom Inspiration Cards:





This life is like a dream
from which we awake
at death.
The next life is like
another dream, which ends
when we awake.
This awakening is called enlightenment.


That would be from an Enlightenment card if you couldn't tell. I know enough about Buddhism and the cycle of reincarnation to understand the point of this card. I really do. Knowing something and prescribing to something are two completely different things, however. I am not Buddhist. I cannot stomach most of the goals on the road to enlightenment. I think I've talked about this before. I cannot give up extremes of emotion. I will love and love completely. It will break me apart like it always does, but I refuse to let that go. It's not a great feeling when a friend can turn your whole world upside down with a word or you feel guilty for days for saying the wrong thing and hurting someone's feelings, but it's me. That's simply the way I do things. That's the way my heart works. I do not want to train it to work another way, to be something else.

I need some changes in my life. There are things that need to go because they're not working. There are ways that I react that are not healthy. I acknowledge this. Now all I have to do is actually get the ball rolling: doctor, referral, therapy, possibly medication. I don't want medication. I do not prescribe to the idea of the Prozac Nation, either. Medication does not cure everywhere. Maybe all my hangups are tied into wonky brain chemicals. I'm not saying it's not possible. In all honesty, I likely suffer from a few chemical imbalances that need to be addressed, but that does not mean I want my emotional well-being to be dependent on drugs. I have a high propensity to either acclimate or being allergic to medicine. It's why the list of antibiotics I can consume it steadily shrinking. I take one for a while and then the next time it's given to me, it causes an allergic reaction. It's never anything that serious, mind, but I'm not looking for it to happen with everything. I limit myself to as little medication as possible.

I'm not saying that enlightenment is a bad thing to try to achieve. I'm not trying to come down on Buddhism or anything like that. I think it's a perfectly acceptable path, and people have every right to follow it if it suits them. I'm just saying it's not me. Enlightenment might be, but my idea of enlightenment is a little different. I don't think we're meant to know all the secrets and follies of the universe. I'm not sure we'd be able to understand the meaning or point of it all even with the little piece of divinity resting inside all of us. I think enlightenment has to start within yourself. Once you know yourself, love yourself and are at peace with yourself then I think you can start working outward and applying that love and knowledge to the rest of the world.

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Sara

July 2012

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