Sara

It never fails.

Every single time I think I'll be okay to spend a little money on myself, something major happens. The car is broke. Again.

I went to see my dad. He wanted to move my car to see if he heard this noise I had been concerned and bam! Brakes are out. We put in more brake fluid. No help. We look for leaks. Nada. The car was fine when I left this morning. It's sure as shit broke now.

Dad drove me home. He's taking the car to a shop tomorrow. And I am grateful as fuck that I don't have to return to work until Thusday.

Having your pants vibrate is weird!

I normally leave my phone in my coat when it's on vibrate, and it just went off and I was all, "Whoa. Weird."

Goddamn fucking spider monkey tethered to a cement block, man.

No, really. I am not kidding.

De and I went for a walk around Salem, which is, as you know from my bitching, an itty bitty town in the middle of nowhere. Butt fucking Egypt.

So we're randomly walking around in these big circles, and there's this thing on a porch. It looks like a monkey. Only it can't be a monkey, right? I mean, Indiana, man. Indi-fucking-ana. Monkey? WTBF? We draw closer. "Hey, De, that's not a monkey, is it?"

Only it is. It really, really is.

And it's happy. Very, very happy. Happy spider monkey tethered to a cement block on a random porch with police tape around it.

Giant monkey erection. Bright red monkey erection and, as De pointed out later, some seriously sexually monkey frustrated blue balls. Mr. Fucking Spier Monkey Tethered to a Cement Block gets no lovin. Ever. And apparently thought we might be interested.

Mr. Monkey's owner was watching up out the window like he might have a Smith and Wesson with our name on it, though, so we high tailed it out of there and proceeded to call various people and go, "Fucking goddamn spider monkey tethered to a cement block" because WTF, man. WTF.

And now we're telling you.

"Of all the things I expected to see, and strange things I prepared myself for, that was definitely not one of them." --De